A group of sharks believed to be around 400 years old have been discovered off the coast of Greenland. The Greenland sharks can be found swimming very slowly in front of other fish, can get easily confused and are known to wake at 6am every morning. ‘Look I’m sorry to be the one to say this”, said one particularly hurried Blue Marlin, “ but what’s the point in keeping these sharks alive if they just float around doing fuck all...

Impress friends and guests this weekend by recreating Dry Martini’s Tonico N#2 cocktail at home. Using Bulldog gin, Zara lemons soda and just a few drops of lavender tincture, the recipe also calls for a simple tonic sorbet, served on top of the drink as a garnish. Ingredients You will need an ice cream maker Bulldog gin, 50ml Zara lemons soda, 30ml Lavender tincture, 4 drops Tonic sorbet, to garnish For the Sorbet Makes 2 pints Water, 1 ¾ cups...

In a move that will shock many as the Mayor of Cannes, on the south coast of France, has decided to ban “burkinis.” The all-body swimwear are used predominantly by Muslim women to protect their modesty in line with their religious beliefs. The Mayor cited public order issues, for bringing in the ban, which would see people wearing the swimsuit fined almost 40 euros (£33). Before they are slapped with the fine, they will be asked to change their clothing...

A Charlton Athletic fan has told reporters the club is been run like North Korea after he was told he will only receive his season ticket if he agrees to sign a social media 'Agreed Behavioural Contract' (ABC). The fan, who has held a season ticket for 13 years, was sent a letter by the club's new agency liaison and duty safety officer telling him that his season ticket would only be released if he agreed to stop bad mouthing the club on social networks....

This isn’t sour grapes, if I inherited £9bn I would be dead within the hour, I couldn’t be trusted with that amount of money, to be honest I am not sure who can. Well one young man, 25-year-old Hugh Grosvenor, has just been handed his late father’s (the Duke of Westminster) legacy of £9bn. Firstly, he must still be grieving at his father’s sudden death and certain groups have laid into him quite harshly. It isn’t his fault his father...

A host of local businesses have been given a platform at the soon-to-open Deptford Market Yard. Some of the best start-ups and independents from Deptford’s buzzing creative and entrepreneurial community will take residence within the renovated historical railway arches next to Deptford station, building on the already thriving local market and retail scene. Many of the new businesses are local start-ups who will have their first permanent, physical space in the outlet. Previously they’ve run street food trucks, pop up shops and market stalls in the...

A 400-year-old shark was asked what he most wants to know about humans since he was last in contact with them when he was a spritely 48. He wondered if Kronenburg 1664 still takes like piss and it was confirmed that it does. The sullen shark, who wouldn’t give his name, said: “I was swimming along the Rhine river minding my own business and a guy by the name of Geronimus Hatt, lifted me out of the water. “I was...

Ten thousand calories, 18 inches and the world's hottest chillies. That's what makes up the World's hottest burger, and Rob Radcliffe of Cambridge has just demolished it in under half an hour, before polishing off 1lb of chips topped with red hot chilli con carne and the Carolina reaper. The Rocker’s steakhouse challenge burger contains four seeded buns, two 12oz beef patties, two chicken burgers and a beanie patty all smothered in four kinds of cheese and topped with salad. As...

Millions of men up and down the country are sneering at Pokemon Go, the latest fantasy game craze to sweep the nation, which is in no way similar to Fantasy Football whatsoever they say. “What a load of utter bollocks Pokemon is”, said Ben Taylor from Huddersfield. “I know people who spend their entire day glued to their phone, getting excited over some fantasy nonsense. Fully grown men, I mean have you ever heard of such a thing?” Around five...