Satire

Theresa May called the UK economy into her surgery and told it that it only has six months to live. Reportedly May told the terminally ill economy, “By the end of March next year you will be dead, I’m sorry but we have decided that is the case.” The economy, in desperation asked for second opinion, but that was refused. May could only take the first answer, as if she was a contestant on The Chase. “No you will live...

The FA are said to be ‘angry and embarrassed’ after England boss Sam Allardyce was caught in an undercover sting giving football related advice to players during a match. The undercover players, dressed in football shirts, shorts, socks and shin pads are alleged to have footage of Allardyce advising them on tactics and positioning during a half time team talk. FA Chairman Greg Clarke confirmed in a statement today “Let me make this perfectly clear, Sam Allardyce was not given...

A 24-hour vigil has been organised to protect Kendall Jenner, from any harm, after the world reels from Bake off & Brangelina heartbreak. Over a seven million people have offered to protect the sister of someone they have watched on a TV show. Twenty people at a time are currently working in eight hour shifts in a desperate attempt keep her away from danger. Claire Thomas, 32 from Dewsbury said: “As soon as I saw the news, I knew I...

The post-Brexit boom continues in the UK with investors literally pouring cash into UK holiday resorts like Blackpool, Weston Super Mare and Skegness. This is despite UK and global markets tumbling at the very threat of Brexit, a weakened currency, and world leaders threatening to pull investment out of the UK should we invoke article 50 to actually leave the EU. The 'Brexit Boom' is a phenomenon being widely reported by the right-wing press despite most analysis suggesting the complete opposite....

Russian men have been reduced to ogling topless pictures of Putin after porn sites have been banned, by the state. In a desperate search for some kinky topless action, the only huge stock they can find is of their own President. Frustrated Dmitri Kusalev, 17, said: “I’m not even gay, but it is the only picture of a naked torso I can find on the Russian internet. “There are loads of them, it’s like Friends, ‘the one where he is fishing,’...

Hillary Clinton’s chances of becoming President suffered a huge blow last night after doctors confirmed she did not even have a penis. The news comes after months of allegations by Hilary’s challenger for the Whitehouse, Donald Trump, who said that she was not fit to become president on account of her not being a man. Trump said “People, people, I have been saying for some time that Hillary Clinton is not the right man for the job. And now it...

At a meeting with investors Mike Ashley promised to upgrade conditions at Sports Direct warehouses to meet the standards set in factories in Britain the early 1900s. He made the pledge to shareholders after an employee named the Artful Dodger blew the lid on the company’s working practices. “It is clear that our warehouses need a complete overhaul so from now on we promise to live up to the progressive values and ethics of early 20th century Britain” declared Ashley....

An idiot who thinks it’s cool to have a book about drugs on his coffee table has replaced JG Ballard’s Cocaine Nights with Roberto Saviano’s Zero Zero Zero. James McAllister, 37, a lettings negotiator from Beckenham said: “I haven’t read either but it makes me look really edgy. “I tried to watch that film Saviano did, but it had subtitles, can’t be having that . Somebody did tell me it was like a mafia film but in Italian. “To be...

Boris Johnson was four hours late for the cabinet away day at Chequers today after putting Checkers into the sat nav. Boris, the new Foreign Secretary, spoke to our reporter from junction 12 on the M40 today. He said: “I knew it was named after a some type of game. I thought Bridge possibly, but they are never going to build that over the Thames. “Maybe Risk, but I had already played that with the UK economy. What about Snakes...