• Privacy policy
  • T&C’s
  • About Us
    • FAQ
    • Meet the Team
  • Contact us
TLE ONLINE SHOP!
  • TLE
  • News
  • Politics
  • Business
  • Sport
  • Opinion
  • Elevenses
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • Film
    • Lifestyle
      • Horoscopes
    • Lottery Results
      • Lotto
      • Thunderball
      • Set For Life
      • EuroMillions
  • Food
    • All Food
    • Recipes
  • Property
  • Travel
  • Tech/Auto
No Result
View All Result
The London Economic
SUPPORT THE LONDON ECONOMIC
NEWSLETTER
  • TLE
  • News
  • Politics
  • Business
  • Sport
  • Opinion
  • Elevenses
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • Film
    • Lifestyle
      • Horoscopes
    • Lottery Results
      • Lotto
      • Thunderball
      • Set For Life
      • EuroMillions
  • Food
    • All Food
    • Recipes
  • Property
  • Travel
  • Tech/Auto
No Result
View All Result
The London Economic
No Result
View All Result
Home Politics

I applied to be the Prime Minister’s Director of Communications

I don't want the £100k salary, pay me by the lie and we'll all go bankrupt!

Mark Thomas by Mark Thomas
2020-07-30 18:22
in Politics
FacebookTwitterLinkedinEmailWhatsapp

This week the Conservatives have advertised for the job of spokesperson for the Prime Minister. The application requests a 500 word letter to accompany a CV. I have applied.

Dear Prime Minister,

Hey, what am I doing with the formality, let’s start as we mean to go on. Hey, Boris bubelah, let me firstly say it would be an honour to be your press spokesman… and that is just a sample of how good I am.

Hah! I’m just kidding.

Seriously, let’s be honest. Come on give it a go, try something new. Everyone should try everything once…except condoms! Am I right?

Now I’m going to give you a quote and it’s not Greek. Marshall McLuhan said “the medium is the message” and so far you are the medium, which means the message is a sloppy inarticulate tissue of lies. Or at least we hope the tissue has lies on it. Boom! That’s how I’m gonna handle Peston.

Trouble is you are as believable as a Quorn Bigfoot and as trustworthy as a priest in a playground. There’s a reason no one has called you as a character witness. I’m not saying you are untrustworthy but when you die Judas’ll be muttering, “I bet he sits next to me.” Boom! That’s me taking out Jon Snow.

Boris baby, you know why the Hindenburg was a tragedy? Because the cameras were there. No cameras and we’d all refer to it as, “The big burny balloon thing ?” So stay away from the cameras. Stick to fridges, it’s you natural habitat. Hibernate. Hide. Call it what you will. Turn number 10 into a walk in chiller cabinet for all I care but don’t speak to the press. Even the ones that like you hate you and you’re two fuck ups away from the after dinner circuit. So if you go outside it’s either to get in the official car or pick up the paper Tony Soprano style.

Problems are for solving, am I right? That schmuck Sharma spends £400 million on a satellite system that doesn’t work. Bad news? Whoa hold you shaking shanks! Let’s harness this bad boy. Imagine this bubelah, the entirety of the British people looking up to the sky and on a clear summer evening they see our satellite, our British satellite orbiting the earth trailing a banner with “We send the EU £340 million a week let’s fund the NHS instead.” You gotta see beyond the bus.

Your advert says I need “excellent interpersonal skills” so basically I need to be nicer than Cummings but able to work with him. Am I right? OK. This is what we do. Get him to dump the hacky sack mad monk schtick. Get him in a suit. Because at the moment he looks like suicide bomber on a gap year. Boom! I’ve just toasted Schofield!

Listen Boris baby, I don’t even want a salary. Pay me on commission. Pay me by the lie! Hah! We’ll all go bankrupt. Hah! What am I talking about “go” bankrupt! We’re all screwed bubelah, so legacy schmegasy, just try and hold on to the reins for four years. You’re goofy but you’re not alien DNA /demon semen Trumpola. You might just make it.

Related: The UK can wipe out coronavirus – but it needs the leadership, resources and will to do it

RelatedPosts

This video tells you everything you need to know about the NI Protocol in under 2 minutes

50 years ago Ireland voted to join the EU – with 83% backing the move

Truss set to announce plans to rip up Northern Ireland Brexit deal

Reporter asks Johnson: ‘You must be furious with whoever signed this deal’

Tags: headline

Since you are here

Since you are here, we wanted to ask for your help.

Journalism in Britain is under threat. The government is becoming increasingly authoritarian and our media is run by a handful of billionaires, most of whom reside overseas and all of them have strong political allegiances and financial motivations.

Our mission is to hold the powerful to account. It is vital that free media is allowed to exist to expose hypocrisy, corruption, wrongdoing and abuse of power. But we can't do it without you.

If you can afford to contribute a small donation to the site it will help us to continue our work in the best interests of the public. We only ask you to donate what you can afford, with an option to cancel your subscription at any point.

To donate or subscribe to The London Economic, click here.

The TLE shop is also now open, with all profits going to supporting our work.

The shop can be found here.

You can also SUBSCRIBE TO OUR NEWSLETTER .

Subscribe to our Newsletter

View our  Privacy Policy and Terms & Conditions

Trending on TLE

  • All
  • trending
Abdollah

‘Rescue us’: Afghan teacher begs UK to help him escape Taliban

CHOMSKY: “If Corbyn had been elected, Britain would be pursuing a much more sane course”

What If We Got Rid Of Prisons?

More from TLE

Biden is backed by 60 billionaires. Bernie? Zero

Scientists shove smartphone into BLENDER to analyse its contents

Labour Party is considering policy to tax self-service checkouts

The best lawyer in Mallorca

Weather forecast, alerts and UVB index for London, Friday 14 May 2021

Watch: Vikings landed in America hundreds of years before Christopher Columbus

Labour leaders to pre-record victory speech ahead of winner being announced

Financial animals – we are all a bit of an animal when it comes to money

Trump niece’s book offers scathing portrayal of president

Space microbes ‘aren’t so alien after all’

About Us

TheLondonEconomic.com – Open, accessible and accountable news, sport, culture and lifestyle.

Read more

© 2019 thelondoneconomic.com - TLE, International House, 24 Holborn Viaduct, London EC1A 2BN. All Rights Reserved.




No Result
View All Result
  • Home
  • News
  • Politics
  • Business
  • Sport
  • Entertainment
  • Lifestyle
  • Food
  • Travel
  • More…
    • Elevenses
    • Opinion
    • Property
    • Tech & Auto
  • About Us
    • Meet the Team
    • Privacy policy
  • Contact us

© 2019 thelondoneconomic.com - TLE, International House, 24 Holborn Viaduct, London EC1A 2BN. All Rights Reserved.