Satire

Temporary "Uber relief" shelters have been set up on Silicon Roundabout amid reports that media and tech professionals have been found getting into random cars and just shouting destinations at their drivers. With Uber set to have its London licence revoked in just over a week's time the shelters have been erected for young workers who are unable to find their way home on public transport and cannot work "black cabs". One London cabby said he stood stationary for ten...

Apple have told their UK customers that they want their stores to be as close to a UK town square experience as possible. Sarah Jaziek, head of marketing said: “We have invested heavily in the UK town square market product, our focus groups revealed that we really needed a group of drunks to brawl just as the stores close. “So now at 6.02pm each day, thirty or so AI robots will appear from nowhere and start to attack each other,...

Mexico is bracing itself for a wave of migrants on an unprecedented level after Hurricane Irma left millions of American refugees seeking asylum in neighbouring countries. Over the weekend Hurricane Irma battered parts of Florida, Georgia and South Carolina leaving 6.5 million without power, food or shelter. US officials have declared this a humanitarian crisis with one spokesperson telling us “boats have been wrecked, golf courses totalled and we’re finding fish in swimming pools. It’s going to be months before...

Prince William is set to cash in on two weeks paternity leave just as the football World Cup kicks off in June. The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge announced today that they are expecting their third child with just nine months to go until the tournament kicks off in Russia. William, who may have otherwise been engaged in a busy schedule of hand-shaking and ribbon cutting, has now got the green light to clear his calendar for two weeks of...

Pensioners should foot the Brexit bill and be excluded from a second referendum, according to a scathing letter sent in to the New European. The  tongue-in-cheek letter, being dubbed "Never mind cake, let them eat sovereignty",  was submitted by 54 year-old Chris Webster from Abergavenny in Wales, and suggests pensioners should pay the bill for the projected £200 billion per-annum loss in GDP. State pensions cost £90 billion a year, and 65 per cent of voters of 65 voted Leave. If...

A major split has emerged in the Cabinet over how best to use Brexit to wreck ordinary people's lives, it has been revealed. Chancellor Philip Hammond is understood to favour a transitional deal that would "cause significant suffering for demographic groups that Tories hate, but strung out over a period of several years so as to maximise the psychological impact." Jeremy Hunt, in his capacity as Secretary of State for Running Down and Privatising the NHS, has suggested that suddenly...

Scientists are unsure how to dispose of Love Island contestants after the popular ITV show ends tonight. This comes after the news that an estimated 5.25 TRILLION pieces plastic waste are floating in our Oceans, with Eight million tonnes of plastic being dumped into the sea every year. Over two tons of that plastic waste was discovered washed up on Love Island, which had mutated into human-like sub-species. Concerned with the extreme rise in plastics floating in the ocean and...

Warning: Graphic Content Below This week the Sun and Mail Online travelled in the Tardis back to 1972 to publish nude photographs of actor Jodie Whittaker in previous acting roles.  This was following the announcement that Jodie will star as the new Doctor in popular BBC series Doctor Who. Both publications ran articles about Whittaker appearing naked or topless in previous acting jobs. Equal Representation for Actresses (ERA), a campaign group, said “We are delighted by the casting of Jodie Whittaker as the...

Jackie, 58, an accounts manager from Kent, was totally outraged when a leftwing speaker gave a speech at a leftwing festival. Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn addressed the 135,000 strong crowd at the traditionally leftwing Glastonbury festival. Whilst the crowd chanted Corbyn’s name and gave him a rapturous response, one BBC viewer was left in a total spin. Jackie said ‘I couldn’t believe what I was seeing when I flicked on the BBC. That terrorist prat Jeremy Corbyn being allowed to...