I like a drink, probably too much to be honest. I blame my upbringing in Newcastle-upon-Tyne and a mother who self-medicates, all ailments, with Gin. It works…until she starts crying.
So the news that a synthetic alcohol could cure hangovers completely is the best thing I have ever heard. It would be as good as Mary Berry moving to Channel 4 to join Paul Hollywood, if I cared about watching people bake.
Then I thought about it and realised that perhaps this is the worst news I have ever heard. The carrot is too big and the stick is non-existent. Imagine the scene…
“Fancy a drink after work Joe?”
“Better not meeting at 8.30.”
“Who cares? You can drink 16 pints and it won’t make a difference, apart from singing Robbie Williams Angels at Holborn Tube.”
“You’re on.”
Surely that can’t be a good thing, especially for last night commuters passing me in the street.
I’m getting old, 35 although I act much younger and look much older, and hangovers seem to last for days. It doesn’t stop me going out, it just stops me being even slightly productive the next day. But that might be about to change.
This miracle drink is known as “alcosynth,” I think they need to work on the name. Let’s be honest though, who will care about the name as everyone will be that drunk, you will struggle to remember your own. The claim is that it doesn’t get you too drunk, but I’m doubtful of that.
It has been designed to imitate the positive effects of alcohol (kissing people who normally repulse you, head butting strangers at taxi ranks and eating highly saturated fatty food at bus stops etc) with none of the negative ones (dry mouth, headache, nausea).
The miracle serum has been created by Professor David Nutt. His views on decriminalising drug, specifically the classification of cannabis, led to him being sacked as the Government’s drug advisor in 2009. So he likes a party.
He said: “It will be there alongside the scotch and the gin, they’ll dispense the alcosynth into your cocktail and then you’ll have the pleasure without damaging your liver and your heart.”
“So we know where the good effects of alcohol are mediated in the brain, and can mimic them. And by not touching the bad areas, we don’t have the bad effects.
The worry is that instead of waking up three times a week wondering what the hell you did last night, it could be every morning. The physical effects of drinking too much might disappear, but it won’t stop you acting like an idiot.
If the “positive” effects of alcohol are beer googles, then there might well be a lot more cringeworthy moments with people waking up with Terrance from accounts and wishing to god for the days when they stayed in on Tuesday nights, because of the breakfast meeting the next day.
The beer fear will never die, you will just be able to face it without a dry mouth.
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