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“People forget that 95 per cent of the Titanic’s maiden voyage was uneventful, very pleasurable sailing”

“The card readers have broken and MPs are stuck in long queues unable to social distance. This Government is beyond irresponsible.”

“There is now yet another person who has applied to the adverts for ‘weirdos and misfits’ who has now had to resign because of their extreme views."

The Commons Leader held his mobile phone close to the microphone near the despatch box and pressed play, ensuring MPs heard the words: “When Britain first, at heaven’s command.”

A Labour MP was criticised for using the phrase ‘fat old racists’ in a tweet.

"I took her to a supermarket I don't know why But I had to start it somewhere. So it started there"

It came amid a row after the First Minister failed to rule out ‘border checks’ on English visitors to Scotland.

He said drinking a yard of ale will help people maintain the new "one-metre plus" rules on social distancing.

The impression was of a government meandering with little idea of where it were going or when it would get there.