Rumours of human waste floating through Carlisle turned out to be a hapless Tory MP suffering a barrage of abuse.
Angry villagers were stood up to their waists, in water, in their living rooms screaming: “shit, shit, shit,” but it turned out they were berating a Liz Truss, the Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs.
Truss said: “Our complex modelling factors in that we will be berated by locals when we mess up flood defences (again), so we were prepared for it”.
Cumbrian John Swales, 46, speaking about the previous floods in 2005: “I still feel dirty from having to shake hands with one of Blair’s cronies back then. I managed to cleaned up my home, but he left a permanent mark on me.
“I know there is real human poo floating into my house, but I’d take my chances with that over an insincere MP”.
Luckily for Cumbria, David Cameron’s pledge to flood victims was: “I promise next time there is a disastrous flood, we wont turn up to pretend we give a shit, we’ll let the sewage do it”.