By Charlotte Hope – Celebrity Writer
Eva Mendes Pregnant with Ryan Gosling’s Baby
Last Wednesday evening, for approximately half an hour, you might have noticed an unusual noise all around you. Every room you went into, this noise seemed to follow. Am I right? That’s because, people, US Weekly announced, completely unexpectedly, that Eva Mendes is carrying Ryan Gosling’s child. It hurts my poor little fingers to even type it. Not only is she pregnant, but she’s allegedly seven months pregnant. Seven months! How did nobody notice this!? I’m constantly hearing about how invasive the paparazzi are and how many lives they’re ruining. It’s my contention, here, that they’re not doing a good enough job.
Controversial, perhaps, but you try and tell me I’m wrong. Seven months! Gosling had a steady climb to fame since being a ‘mouseketeer’ alongside Justin Timberlake and Britney Spears, an image he’s done particularly well to shed. He’s carved himself a place in indie Hollywood with movies like Half Nelson (for which he was nominated for an Oscar, silencing any critics), Drive and Only God Forgives. The latter is appropriately named because, despite his face and body, I can’t forgive that film. Nonetheless, whilst whittling his way into the Hollywood elite, he also managed to nest himself into many women’s (and men’s) hearts and stay snuggled up for the long run. Part of Gosling’s appeal is the strong and silent aesthetic. He doesn’t say much, but what he does say is invariably perfect.
He’s absolutely never going to leave a child. I say this with the faux authority gained not from personal interaction with the star but from soundbites collected over the years. So if you heard any unexplained wailing, sobbing or perhaps even a cracking noise, you now know that hearts collectively broke last Wednesday and we’re still working through our emotions. Give us some time, please.
Cheryl Cole Married
Pop’s darling Cheryl Cole/Tweedy got married last week. Did you know? No you didn’t, because she kept it a secret. Is she still pop’s darling? She’s still cute but she’s got that giant tattoo all over her bum so maybe not. I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt, and nip this tangent in the bud now. Instead of selling the pictures to Hello! or similar, Cole (can we still call her that? Probably not) posted a photo of an absolutely gigantic diamond ring on her social media sites. Very little else has emerged by way of details but there’s a lot of comment on their relationship being but three months old.
How do we know this? It’s unclear. A popular tabloid with a prolific celebrity gossip page writes ‘THREE’ incredulously, almost berating Cheryl for her audacity. Even if it was a brief courtship, many marriages occur after a short period of time dating; Khloe Kardashian got married after 9 days. Sure, that marriage ended in her husband allegedly being on crack whilst he rapped about cheating on her for a poorly produced music video, but that’s no omen. In retrospect, not the finest example to pick out, but it is what it is. I say good luck to her.
What with the details of her relationship being unclear I can’t really comment further, but if she’s happy and her French husband is happy then fine. I’d love to hear her speak French with a Geordie accent, but we might have to wait until babies are on the cards to hear how that hybrid would work. I’ll sit tight until then.
Arctic Monkeys Tax Avoidance
Recently I got re-obsessed with Arctic Monkeys. I won’t apologise for it. I can’t get enough of ‘AM’ and I’m aware that I’m well beyond fashionably late to this party but I think it’s brilliant. I’ve taken to watching videos of Alex Turner interviews before bed instead of enriching my brain with reading. Again, no apologies, but this isn’t about me. Despite their brilliant set which closed T in the Park this weekend, rumours are flying around that they’re engaged in some sort of tax avoidance scheme. If true, this puts them in the same bracket as ex-Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles. Is that the company you want to keep, Alex Turner? From your haircut I’d wager that no, it is not. Why do people bother with this?
Nobody gets their pay cheque and thinks, ‘oh, excellent! They’ve taken loads of tax!!’ but life goes on and you get out what you put in when you break your leg or get cancer. So suck it up and just pay your taxes. Furthermore, I’m pretty sure the taxes aren’t rendering the Arctic Monkeys short for their train fare. In the interests of balance, it’s fair to point out that there are loads of other celebrities named and shamed in this exposé – but this one has, given my penchant for late night YouTubing, upset me the most. Until next time…