By Charlotte Hope Lifestyle Editor @TLE_Lifestyle
Kim Kardashian tries to ‘break the internet’
Kim Kardashian (West), who I’ve frankly given too much Column space to already, has tried to ‘break the internet’in conjunction with Paper magazine, with a cover featuring her famous bottom in all its naked glory. Naked and really greasy looking. It’s huge, everyone. It’s absolutely fucking massive. My friends have commented on what they think is an unattractive part of her body, but I can’t stop looking at it. Presumably that’s what the goal is? I mean, I purposefully didn’t seek out those images of nude celebrities because they weren’t for public consumption; they were private and the invasion of privacy involved in obtaining them was horrible. But this? This is a free for all, surely?
The overall goal of this was to, as I mentioned, ‘break the internet’. I guess this means just get everyone talking about it? The internet is probably a pretty difficult thing to actually break. Where is the internet? This magazine cover throws up so many difficult questions. Perhaps that, truly, was the goal? There’s another excellent photo of Kim K-W popping a bottle of champagne, the contents landing in a glass perched on her buttocks. Marvellous, and a real feat against physics. Also in the initial nude one she’s stepping out of a bin bag? I don’t know, but I’ve got a lot of time for it.
Jessica Ennis represents
Ched Evans is, for those of you who don’t know, a footballer who was convicted of rape, went to prison for two years and was released a few weeks ago. The reason this is even in The Column and not elsewhere, like a bin, is because Sheffield United have released a flaccid statement to the effect that whilst they condemn rape in the ‘strongest terms’they also acknowledge that Evans has done his time and they might open their loving, high paying arms back to Evans and let him play with them once more.
In response to this potential reinstatement of Evans, Jessica Ennis, who has a stand at Sheffield United named after her in celebration of her Olympic triumph, said that, if Ched Evans’contract is reinstated, she would like her name taken off the stand. She went on to say that ”those in positions of influence should respect the role they play in young people’s lives and set a good example”. Is he even worth all this fuss? I’d never heard of him before this conviction. Let him get a nice low key job and rebuild his life that way, as anyone else would have to. Or, I mean, don’t take the advice of a busybody with a weekly celebrity column. Your call, I suppose.
Diplo is an idiot
‘Who is Diplo?!’I hear you cry into the ether, confused and upset. ‘Why is The Column so late this week?!’you screech, tears pouring down your face. Well, I can only really answer one of those questions. Diplo is a producer or DJ or some such, responsible for no songs that I can recall off the top of my head. This week he decided to tweet that someone should start a Kickstarter to ‘get Taylor Swift a booty’, highlighting Swifts petite frame. Taylor Swift, you guys. Regardless of your feelings on her music, you have to agree that she’s just the most sickly sweet little thing. Why’d you go for her, Diplo? Why is your name the first five letters of a dinosaur? We’ll never know.
Obviously many of her legions of fans jumped on Diplo and called him out for ‘body shaming’etc. Diplo responded with ‘are Taylor Swift fans called the Swift Boat Veterans’? No Diplo, that was a political action committee in 2004. Everyone knows that. Idiot. Lorde, who is famously friends with Swifty, tweeted back:
@diplo should we do something about your tiny penis while we’re at it hm
— Lorde (@lordemusic) November 13, 2014
OUCH. Touché, Lorde. Touché.