PMQs Sketch 13th July – The knights that say “oh my knee”

By Joe Mellor, Deputy Editor

I have been away getting married and on my honeymoon, and hands up I didn’t want to keep up with the unraveling of UK politics.

Without sounding like an egotist, our politicians don’t deserve a moment of my time, or anyone else’s for that matter.

Perhaps in the new post-politics era we will realise we didn’t need politicians at all, they will become redundant like VHS, great at the time, but now even the charity shop won’t take them.

So I thought I’d have a week in Santorini without worrying about it, we have a lifetime to do that now, I told my new wife as she began to cry. However, I did go on a boat trip where I was booed (theatrically it has to be said) for being English, so it was a bit tricky trying to fully detach myself from our political problems. Don’t worry, I did us proud, I shouted that none of them had ever had a real job, headbutted the German couple and ran off when I realised one of the passengers was Russian.

That aquatic scuffle aside the wedding and honeymoon went well thanks, it was all very jolly, just like the chamber today for Cameron’s final PMQs.

It felt as if Cameron was a much loved head teacher moving to Provence to set up a new life on a smallholding, everyone wishing him the best for the new chapter in his life and for leaving the school in excellent shape and with a bright future. Unfortunately that isn’t the case, the PM has left the country more divided since the roundheads and cavaliers, or the more viciously contested Blur vs Oasis.

Cameron’s family were in the gallery to watch him and aside from popping over to see the Queen at 5pm to get his P45, the family can finally jet off to chillax in the Caribbean, rather than slumming it in Lanzarote every year, much to Sam’s chagrin.

Theresa May sat behind the PM and smiled like a Cheshire cat who will soon have the army and police to add to her collection of security firms at her disposal.

The PM praised Corbyn for his tenacity, like the Black Knight in Monty Python who has all his limbs chopped off but still claims it’s only a flesh wound. If that’s the case then the PM grazed his knee playing football and took everyone’s ball home.

He laughed off the fact that he has been asked 5,550 questions and wondered how many he had answered. I remember one he did answer, “Will you quit if you lose the referendum?”

At the end of his final PMQs the Tory MPs gave him a rare standing ovation, which is discouraged in the chamber, but even the speaker was clapping away. I guess when your country is staring into the abyss, a few Tories clapping doesn’t really matter; like not leaving a tip after your meal as the Titanic hit that iceberg.

I even noticed a few Labour MPs giving the PM a standing ovation, you get the feeling a few of them would rather Cameron ran the Labour party then Corbyn.

Cameron’s final words were: “I was the future once,” as he lurched into the crowd like a centre forward who has just scored from 25 yards. I was expecting him to take his top off and throw it into the crowd and watch Anna Soubry and Sajid Javid tussle over his Saville Row shirt.

I’ve learnt in the past two weeks that a political union is like a marriage union; don’t let you and your partner get shafted, in public, for other people’s benefit.

Sycophantic question of the day

There were quite a few to be fair but Peter Lilley, Con, was gushing when he talked of Cameron’s “mastery at the despatch box” and he will “have the respect of generations to come.” First one arguable, second one laughable.

Winner

Theresa May.