People buy pugs, those flat faced little dogs. They’re desperately unattractive to the point of being, well, attractive. At least in the eyes of their purchasers. They pose an interesting question of where the lines of beauty and ugliness merge. Can something really come full circle, being so ugly that it’s then beautiful again? I’m perhaps not the best person to ask, I’m not much of a dog person, but I see these four-legged curiosities regularly. According to the Fédération Cynologique Internationale, the largest registry of dog breeds that is internationally accepted, there are 339 breeds of dog. So why get a pug when there are 338 other options available? I was minded of the pug during my 11 days with the BMW X7. When I first laid eyes on one, I recoiled. Surely not, no one has signed that design off, have they? Oh, they have. Now I sit here typing, sans BMW X7 and, well, I kind of miss it, aesthetics and all.
Much like a trusted canine, the BMW X7 performed that excellent trick of simply merging into family life. So good is it at this that it feels like a cheat code. We spent a family vacation in North Yorkshire with it and it was impervious to everything thrown at it. I was awaiting the façade to fade and the gremlins to introduce themselves. Over 770 miles of driving, they never did. You’d even think you’d never be able to park it anywhere, so vast it is, but the self-parking technology slots into gaps you’d otherwise drive past.
This being the BMW X7 M40d, the mpg was even palatable at 35.1 across those 770 miles. So, what’s the catch?
“How much longer have we got?” came the first question from the rear. “About five hours, so bed in.” Surprisingly, that was the last such question to be asked. The usb sockets in the rear seats keep tablets charged, so Ninjago was enjoyed in the comfortable environment of the rear. This left me to just waft along, eating up the miles happily. Feeling a touch uncomfortable? Reach for the massage function and kneed the stiffness away. The BMW X7 makes gruelling journeys a lot less gruelling.
That’s almost the be all and end all for these monolithic SUVs. They’re the new limos, ferrying occupants around in utmost comfort and serenity. The BMW X7 is certainly no exception. Despite the M Sport pack and styling, the emphasis is very much on refinement. There’s little in the way of wind and road noise to disturb you, even riding on 22” wheels. The upgraded Bowers & Wilkins Diamond Audio is akin to wearing a pair of headphones. There may well be intrusions, but they’re kept out of range.
It seems pointless discussing acceleration times, but 0-60 takes 5.9secs. There are 352bhp and 720Nm of torque available, so plenty of shove to keep this 2565Kg battle ship rolling. That’s unladen, so once you’ve got the family and a week’s worth of stuff in, you’re looking at close to 3000Kg. Yikes.
At this point it’s worth discussing the M Sport pack. It costs £3,000 more than the base-spec Excellence, but is worth it because you get bigger brakes. Bigger brakes on bigger cars is a sensible idea. Because the BMW X7 insulates you from everything that’s going on beyond its vast cabin, you’re often travelling a wee bit faster than you realise. Thus, when it comes to stopping, you’ll be grateful of the bigger brakes.
Aside from the brakes, the M Sport pack also brings a few stylistic touches. The high gloss black shadow line adds aesthetic appeal (especially set against the Manhattan Green of the car tested), BMW’s sports exhaust and, rather nicely, M Sport seatbelts. A minor touch, but one I appreciated nonetheless.
Also fitted to the BMW X7 press car was BMW’s Ultimate Pack. This basically ticks every option for an additional £17,500. Bringing the total cost of the model tested to £106,905, it still renders the BMW X7 some £20,000 cheaper than a Range Rover Autobiography (Range Rover’s top out-of-the-factory trim line). As you’d expect, this really ramps up the luxury. Heated and cooled cup holders, heated arm rests, perfumed air, massage seats, all driving aids and suspension settings. Then there’s the Sky Lounge, which works with the ambient lighting to give the panoramic roof a distinct night time ambience all its own. The BMW X7 is a wonderful place to be at night.
There’s a generous level of standard equipment, so whatever trim you opt for your BMW X7 in, you’re unlikely to go wanting. The ambient lighting and adaptive LED headlights are standard, as is the self-parking capability and associated cameras. These are a must in a car of the BMW X7’s size and perform wizadry in tight spaces. All wheel steering is a boon, too.
The infotainment is BMW’s latest and greatest iDrive 8. A sweeping, curved touchscreen, the clarity is spot on and it’s easy to use. It has irritated one or two, but one journalistic problem is the short time you generally get with cars. With ownership, much like your phone, you’d soon instinctively know where all the apps and controls are.
You could marvel at what a technological tour de force the BMW X7 is. I haven’t even mentioned the gearbox, steering and performance on twisty roads. Because, well, you don’t really notice them. This isn’t a super-SUV in disguise, rather a car that stays in its lane and effortlessly gets on with the job. Gear changes are unnoticed, the steering has that luxurious oily feel you’d expect and it rolls about a fair bit when you try and throw it around. So effortless is the overarching experience you seldom notice its heft.
It’s over 2m wide and 5.1m long; it’s absolutely vast. Yet when you’re cruising along, it doesn’t induce panic. Not even in the tighter lanes of North Yorkshire did it feel out of place. In a land of Range Rovers and tractors, it slotted in rather well. A 750ltr boot accommodated everything, even with my wife’s penchant for packing the kitchen sink for any time away from the house. If you’ve got more children/friends, the BMW X7 is also a seven-seater as standard. It ticks every box from a practicality standpoint.
I also think I’d opt for the diesel. The BMW X7 M60i packs a thumping V8 and a lot more performance (and cost), but this is no sports car. Embrace what it really is and dial up the opulence on the options list instead. It’s also more frugal than the BMW X7 M40i petrol equivalent.
The BMW X7 is a compelling proposition in a competitive field and should give Range Rover buyers at least pause for thought. My wife preferred it to the Range; I’m more on the fence. If you’re choosing between the two, well that’s a lovely problem to have. I even grew to like its looks. Now where can I buy a pug?
