Politics is Great Britain
By Joe Mellor, Deputy Editor
The final PMQs before the New Year had an extra-terrestrial vibe and I don’t mean the Tory backbenchers from Cocoon. It began with the PM praising UK astronaut Tim Peake, and everyone who was watching at home. Well we did Dave, you turned your head 180 degrees, like a lizard, and flicked your tongue at the screen.
Corbyn wished everyone a happy Christmas even “Tim who wasn’t on this planet,” which inevitably set the Tories off, they believe Jeremy is from Eridani b or Bishop Auckland – somewhere distinctly alien to them.
I do wonder if Corbyn knew this would be the reaction from the Tories, if not, it’s quite troubling. Cameron said he wished the Shadow Leader a “Merry Christmas” not “season greetings.” It says something when Corbyn even uses the word “Christmas,’ but he gets pulled up anyway, for not saying it.
Apparently there are many religions that dislike Donald Trump. Tulip Siddiq, Lab, told the house that her constituency is full of churches, synagogues, temples and mosques and we shouldn’t allow Donald Trump and his extremist views into the UK; “there should be no exceptions for billionaires.”
The PM disagreed, Trump isn’t a danger, he is simply “divisive, stupid and rich” (ok, he just said wrong) and we should all unite against him. This conjured up an image of an Imam, Rabbi, Vicar and David Icke teaming up to rip each of his limbs off.
Unfortunately Sir Gerald Howarth, Con, didn’t share his leader’s view and said the UK is a Christian country, and we should protect ourselves from “alien” and “violent” races especially Islam.
Luckily for Dave one of his MPs welcomed an alien invasion into the UK. Oliver Dowden, Con, said the first Stars Wars (indeed all seven have been filmed in UK) was filmed at Elstree studios in his constituency, Hertsmere. Finally an alien race war we were all interested in. The speaker even hushed up some members by shouting: “I want to hear about Star Wars.”
The PM said the film is exciting for children and parents, especially as it was filmed in the UK. I wonder what degree angle Dave will watch it at? He also joked that Dowden would never join the dark side, which is strange as Phillip Hammond looks quite a lot like Emperor Palpatine and his side would definitely destroy the forest moon of Endor, by Fracking.
Nicola Blackwood, Con, also sounded as if her entire constituency of Oxford West and Abingdon has seen an alien invasion. She said there had been a stabbing in…Poundland. The attack was shocking, and the UFO (unemployed feeding outlet) site will now be known as Area51p.
I spent the entire session scanning the Tory front bench for human life forms, and also the person who bought Thatcher’s red box for over £240,000, until I discovered a lot of the sales came in from the general “Middle East,” perhaps from a T.Blair – another attack from the clone.
Sycophantic question of the day
Mark Pawsey, Con, who told the PM about how great e-cigs are, the PM whole heartedly agreed, and a lobbyist somewhere near Whitehall got a massive pay rise.
Winner
Obi-Wan Kenobi Corbyn was slain by the Dark Lord insidious himself, David Cameron.
