Miles Reucroft is undertaking a different way of playing the ever popular Fantasy Football this season. To understand his methodology, read part one here. The Week 1 review is here, Week 2 transfers & preview here, Week 3 preview here, Week 4 preview here, Week 5 preview here, Week 6 preview here, Week 7 preview here, Week 8 preview here, Week 9 preview here, Week 10 preview here, Week 11 preview here. Week 12 preview here. Week 13 preview here. Week 14 preview here. Week 15 here. Week 16 here. Week 17 here. Week 18 here. Week 19 here. Week 20 here. Week 21 here. Week 22 here. Week 23 here. Week 24 here. Week 25 here.Week 26 here. Week 27 here. Week 28 here. Week 29 here.
38 points is all we could muster last week, against a game week average of 44. We’re wallowing in 1,785,484th. The board have been making discouraging noises, too. I’ve been summoned to a meeting next week regarding “the future”, although in reality, I think we all know that we haven’t got one.
Still, like any proper football man would, I’ve tried to look at least vaguely interested this week in an effort to save face. I know it’s gone horribly wrong and I know I probably won’t be considered for another job at this level, but there’s no need for abject humiliation en route to the exit door.
“This is it, Gary – the final fling with the transfer market probably,” I say to Gary, our player agent. “I need to try and dig out one final decent game week, just for old times’ sake really.”
“Which old times are those, then?” comes the sarcastic response.
I shoot him a look which lets him know I’m unimpressed, but I can only hold it for a couple of seconds before smirking. “Pre-Christmas, I guess,” I reply. “Things were bearable back then. Hell, there was even optimism at one point, we looked like we could do something, then you got Oumar Niasse in for us an…”
“You can fuck right off,” interrupts Gary. “You asked me to bring the geezer in; I brought him in!”
It’s always comforting to try and blame someone else for you mistakes, but of course he’s right. That was my mistake. I could have said no.
“Whatever,” I reply. “2018 has been tough. We’ve gone right off the rails, but it would be nice to finish with a decent score.”
“You’re right,” he says. “Plus, finishing strongly might put you in the frame for a job next season.”
“What do you mean?!” I blurt out.
“Well… you know…” Gary looks like a kid who’s been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. “There have been one or two rumours floating about that, you know, you’ll get handed your cards at the end of the season.”
I fall back into my chair. These are hardly rumours, they’re just facts. You only need to look at our miserable league standing to see that I probably won’t be sitting here next season in charge of FC Fakin’ Run Aboutabit.
“We’ll see, Gary,” I reply. “We’ll see.”
Before the inevitable happens, there’s business to be done. Hegazi, Pope and Eriksen were the only ones to bother turning up last week. No one else could give a shit. So it’s one final shake down before we can switch off the lights.
Kasper Schmeichel hasn’t recovered from injury, so we ship him out for £5.0m and ship in Hugo Lloris for £5.4m. Kasper didn’t even bother turning up to confirm his departure, he just faxed through his signed contract (this is a football club, of course we’ve still got a fax machine). Hugo has a World Cup coming up so I’m hoping he will bring a bit of professionalism to our defensive arrangements.
Bobby Firmino, ‘triffic though he’s been, hasn’t been himself of late. Gary offers me £8.9m for him and I take the offer. Jamie Vardy, not necessarily renowned for his professionalism, comes in. He’s renowned for pace and goals and we could really do with the latter.
We’re going 3-4-1-2 this week, vainly hunting for last minute glory; for last minute pride. Part of me hopes the rumours are true…
Lloris – Maguire, Otamendi, Cresswell – KdB, Xhaka, Eriksen, Silva – Perez – Aubameyang, Vardy
Pope, Milivojevic, Hegazi, Janmaat