Weekend of Alcohol and Processed Meats “Paramount to Death by Firing Squad”

Consuming alcohol and processed meats is paramount to death by firing squad, new research has revealed.

A study published in the scientific journal Addiction found ‘the weekend’ could be the biggest threat to the human race, with people quaffing booze and stuffing their faces full of sausage and bacon to really stick the boot in.

The damning research has come as a blow to all those out on the lash tonight, many of whom have opted to stay at work and see the weekend out in the sanctity of the office.

Bob Hales, a regular Friday night drinker who is partial to a bacon sandwich, said his World has been turned upside down by the revelations.

“I’ve been going to the White Harte for 60 years for a scoop and waking up for Bettie’s bacon butties Saturday morning, but now they tell me I’ll be riddled with cancer if I keep it up I don’t know what to do with myself!”

Health experts have recommended a 7-day working week after the study unveiled the potentially fatal nature of the weekend.

Doctor Robson, who led the study, has also recommended outlawing ‘fun’ and ‘social activities’, which he described as synonyms for a ‘slow and painful death’.

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