United Airlines are on the look out for orphaned children, army veterans and sweet old grandparents after kicking the shit out of a doctor and killing off a bunny rabbit.
The disgraced airline is going for broke on all flights into Chicago O’Hare with stealth flight attendants ready to poke fun at parentless children and sabotage the less abled.
Reporters in Chicago say the airline is also keeping a keen eye out for Paralympians and newborns.
Spokesperson for the airline Gary McGeffers said: “We’re throwing down the gauntlet to all our cabin staff to make us the most morally reprehensible airline in the skies.
“The competition is stiff, but we think if we can butcher a few more beloved pets and physically abuse a handful more community heroes we’d be about as bad as an average Ryanair trip.”
Fares for cute animals have been slashed on the Illinois-based airline, although return tickets cannot be purchased for ducklings, baby deer and miniature hedgehogs.
A promotional community hero concession has also been added, on the proviso that those booking the fare don’t mind getting slapped about a bit.