Russian hooligans’ investigated after report finds evidence of ‘clean and healthy lifestyles’

The Russian Hooligan Federation could face retrospective action after several high profile hooligans tested positive for vegetables; including superfoods kale, quinoa and avocado. The IHC (International Hooligan Committee) has already set up a team to review CCTV footage taken during the recent European Championships to search for inappropriate sobriety within the Russian ranks.

@Young casual78, a spokesperson for the IHC said “If we are unable to find any corroborative footage of the Russian contingent either slurring, swaying, urinating in the street, repeating themselves or being over amorous with each other there will be some severe sanctions.”

Many within the sport are already pointing the finger at the Russian authorities amongst allegations of state sponsored clean living programmes. The report found evidence of Russian KGB officers handing hooligans bottles of water with traces of cucumber during a period of particularly warm weather.

The World Pro Doping Agency said it was not surprised by the report’s findings after conducting several tests immediately after the Battle Of Marseille, and found time to compliment the exemplary behaviour of the English competitors “The English were as amazing as ever. Footage shows them completing their pre-fight warm-ups of lager, chips and jumping on top of signs with their usual vigour and dedication. There was absolutely no water or sunscreen anywhere to be seen in the midday sun.

“There were pasty bits, bright red bits, wobbly bits and bad tattoos as far as the eye could see and everyone was wearing IHC regulation flip flops. It was a beautiful sight for the purist. They always know how to channel their racism and xenophobia in the fairest and most sporting way possible”.

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