Pollsters have finally admitted that they got the election result tragically wrong, because conservative voters didn’t give them the time of day.
Sally Thomas, 24, who works for Ipsos MORI said: “I would walk up to huge houses, but the people there would chase me off their land, occasionally I would ask a groundsman who they were voting for and noted that down. We actually predicted Cobham, in Surrey, would go red.”
James Avery, 26, from Gallup, said: “We knew we were fucking up the statistics, so we asked people in council housing to say they would vote Tory so we could balance the figures. They were so obliging; and I got loads of cups of tea and Wagon Wheels, it was great. I still kind of feel responsible for Paddy Ashdown eating that hat though.”
Professor Nigel Potters, 57, from Cardiff University said: “It is true our poll found Tories are statistically ruder than the rest of electorate. To be fair, I don’t actually trust our findings on this; I just went with my gut feeling.”
A Conservative spokesperson said: “Who the hell do you think you are calling me at this hour, if you turn up at the door I’ll set the hounds on you”.