Nicola Sturgeon’s £100k contract on Andy Murray for carrying Olympic flag

SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon has put out a £100k contract on Andy Murray for agreeing to carry the Olympic flag in Rio for Great Britain.

Angry SNP supporters have been seen burning tennis rackets and balls, some even while playing, which seems to gauge the level of anger, even amongst tenacious participants of the sport north of the border.

Sturgeon said: “He voted SNP and then he agreed to carry the British flag, for Great Britain next to Princess Anne! What next, tell the Daily Mail he thinks Brexit was a good idea?

Tim Henman has asked for calm, but he was told to fuck off back to London. A crowdfunding page to raise money for any wannabe hitmen or women to fly to Rio has already raised £13,500.

A spokesperson for Sturgeon denied she was contemplating carrying out the hit herself, and has since called off the contract killing. Instead she will serve her country and give him a backhand on his return.

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