National Wave Of Gentrification Strikes Britain Following Wage Hike

A widespread wave of gentrification has hit Britain in the wake of the new mandatory National Living Wage (NLW) which came into force today.

Tesco reported that its ‘finest’ range had sold out and Café Nero was forced to close its doors early after supplying what it described as a “tsunami” of espressos.

The threat of mass gentrification had been outlined by town planners in the run-up to the new bill, who warned that an influx of middle-class people could cause towns to be literally swamped by Little Waitrose and Foxtons.

Adam Sowter, a hotel employee in York, also confirmed Tory fears that a 50p hourly hike in wages would lead to more young people with ‘ambitions’. Speaking to BBC Breakfast he said the extra money would help him pursue his ambition of becoming an actor, or a performing street artist failing that.

Commenting on the yuppie invasion, Lewisham resident Tony Peacock said: “The scale of change in the area is unprecedented.

“I’ve already been down the new £2 shop to stock up on quilted bog role and scented candles, and I’m literally off my nut on caffeine.

“I’m going to seek out a three piece suit before my buzz dies and I need my siesta.”

The Daily Express announced it has banned its journalists from writing April Fool’s Day stories today in an effort to seek out ‘higher brow readership’. Although that could be an April Fool’s Day prank.

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