Mike Ashley pledges to upgrade working conditions to ‘Edwardian standards’

At a meeting with investors Mike Ashley promised to upgrade conditions at Sports Direct warehouses to meet the standards set in factories in Britain the early 1900s. He made the pledge to shareholders after an employee named the Artful Dodger blew the lid on the company’s working practices.

“It is clear that our warehouses need a complete overhaul so from now on we promise to live up to the progressive values and ethics of early 20th century Britain” declared Ashley. “Women will be afforded some of the same rights as men, such as the occasional toilet break, and as an added incentive will be given a nice hat to hat to wear on their leisure days”.

However, despite the best efforts of Ashley and other members of the Sports Direct board many investors feel the move does not go far enough. Michael Archer of Standard Life says “We were hoping to at least reach the standards of wartime industrial practices. They were pretty efficient back then and hardly anyone ever complained. They were good times.”

Despite the negative press Ashley is confident that Sports Direct will continue to perform well on the high street. “People are idiots. How do you think we manage to sell our hiking boots and oversized mugs so cheaply? Because we squeeze every inch out of our staff. Is the odd story about bullying or zero contract hours going to stop people shopping at Sports Direct? Is it bollocks. I could literally walk around the factory hoying £50 notes about and it wouldn’t make a difference”.

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