Mike Ashley offers subsidised gruel & leech therapy to stave off cholera

This latest act of generosity by billionaire Sports Direct and Newcastle United owner comes after a recent report compared his businesses to a ‘Victorian Workhouse’. The report outlined a series cruel and demeaning working practices which Ashley denies any culpability for.

“Quite frankly those little tykes have a bleedin good of time of it”, said Ashley. Ashley points to some of the benefits his employees at Sport Direct have access to such as the donkey to work scheme, subsidised lunchtime gruel and discounted leisure travel on the latest steam locomotives.

Even though Ashley disagrees with many of the findings of the report he was quick to offer his employees improved conditions to stave off any further negative PR. “Ere, we will improve health and safety conditions and offer better terms for all my employees so’s we will. We wills eradicate cholera, diphtheria and polio from our shop floors and offer the latest in medical care to all those little blighters under 9 years old. Modern new medicines like leech therapy, Hutchins’ Infallible Corn Remedy and free visits to the county asylum for all the little rascals showing signs of sadness.”

When asked about the report’s conclusions of Victorian techniques demonstrated on the pitch at St James’ park last season, Ashley declined further comment.

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