Man who punched himself in face over EU banana straitening story, won’t fall for project fear

A man who literally couldn’t deal with the story that the EU was going to enforce the straitening of bananas, so punched himself repeatedly in the face until he was unconscious, has said he won’t let project fear scare him over over predictions of a meltdown in the UK economy.

Tim Shields, 47, from Dartford said: “I remember the day I read about the EU banning all bendy bananas, well I remember up until I knocked myself out. I was so angry, I just needed to hit something, and my face was the closest thing I could find to my fists.

“To be fair it wasn’t as bad as the time I read that the EU was going to ban hoovers. I locked myself in the cellar to protect my vacuum cleaner and vowed never to come out again. The missus kept feeding me, bendy bananas. ‘Save us Farage’ I thought, after the fifth day of no sleep. Eventually I passed out and knocked myself out, again, on my Henry. How long before they have a “Mohammed” version in the shops? I thought as, the Asian nurse stitched me up.

When asked about the impending recession and the possibility leaving the EU will cost the UK £75bn a year, Tim casually shrugged and said: “It will be ok, there is nothing to worry about, you would have to be a mug to fall for project fear, wouldn’t you?”

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