London to become ‘just about bearable’ for next seven days confirm indigenous population

The indigenous people of London are today celebrating as millions of economic migrants return back to their homeland for Christmas.

The annual exodus of around 4 million people ensures public transport becomes ‘manageable’, shopping becomes ‘a little bit less hysterical’ and bars become ‘not wholly uncomfortable’.

Simon Griffiths, a geezer, said “It’s a wonderful time of year aint it. I was born under the sound of the Bow Bells and was runnin round the streets of the East End since I were a little ‘un. For one week over Christmas we get our streets back. All these mugs walking round with their beards and their backpacks just seem to disappear into thin air”.

This year’s migration is set to be one of the biggest in history as a record number of young, middle class, hipster migrants prepare to return home to marvel at the price of a round of drinks in their local pub. As a result, areas such as Shoreditch, Dalston and Walthamstow become reminders of a bygone era.

Something which causes a lot of joy amongst the native populations: “We throw big parties in the street every Christmas”, said Simon. We run up and down Old Street giving the ‘V’ to all the cereal cafes and ping pong microbreweries. We break into ‘Look Mum No Hands’ and swap the olive oil with the bike oil. It’s a carnival and everyone’s in a proper right good mood.”

Some of the economic migrants brave enough to stay behind also get to reap the benefits of the slightly slower pace of life. John Miller, a multi-platform media entrepreneur living in Peckham, said “London is at its best over Christmas. Last year I only had to wait 2 hours to visit the Rothko rooms at the Tate Modern and just this morning the queue in my local Wholefoods was about half as long as last week”.

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