Daily Express implodes over “ice blasting super mega wintery f*ck-storm” 

The news desk at the Daily Express has imploded after three days of genuinely cold weather on UK shores.

Editors and journalists were found collapsed in a heap this morning just after temperatures dipped below freezing again.

Multiple packs of Kleenex tissues and a Collins thesaurus was found next to the bodies with deranged scribbling around the words “icy” and “cold”.

The front page of the latest edition simply read “ice blast mega freezing super blizzarding wintery fuck-storm”, with an editor’s note querying a possible link to a dementia cure.

Apprentice reporter Tom Smith, who found the comatose bodies this morning, hinted that there had been a lot of hype in the news room in the run-up to the so-called Beast From the East.

He said: “Most of these lads had seemed quite happy to pull an all-nighter last night.

“They told me a genuine storm can be career-defining on the Express, especially one that can be blamed on the Russians.”

Nursing staff at the local hospital say the reporters are recovering, but some of them may never be the same again.

Cheryl, who runs the trauma wing, said most staff have been left staring blankly into the distance and reciting synonyms for “storm”.

It is still unclear whether this is a repercussion from the coma or their normal mental state.

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