In the video of the machete-wielding terrorist at Leytonstone Tube Station, you can hear a man shout ‘You ain’t no Muslim, bruv’ as the lunatic is tasered by the police. In just a few choice words, he got to the core of what politicians and the commentariat have been trying to stress ever since the Paris attacks.
Fortunately the terrorist – who allegedly screamed ‘This is for Syria’ right before he attacked – wasn’t able to murder a single soul. He failed in his mission, yet he can’t have planned the cringe-inducing ripple effect now permeating through culture thanks to his madness.
Like a dog hiding underneath the dinner table waiting for you to drop your freshly made meal, David Cameron is always prepared to eke out personal gain from tragedy. Upon hearing the news – in a rare moment of honesty – he spoke to the young tory activist standing in as his pouffe: ‘everyone thinks I’m a silver-spooned patrician mummies boy, and it’s about time I change that.’
The next 24 hours were spent locked away in Tory HQ’s workshop dungeon, with Dave sat on YouTube immersing himself in the UK grime scene, trying to nail the cadence and timbre of the set piece to come. ‘You’re not a muslim, my brother’. ‘You aren’t a muslim, brother’. Despite Dave’s best efforts to forget the elocution lesson that was his childhood, it wasn’t going well.
In paroxysms over his ingrained toffery, he shouted at a nearby minion; ‘Ain’t is just awful grammar, do people actually speak like that? Did this guy not go to school? Get Nicky Morgan on the phone!’ Dave was incensed at his own inability to imitate a normal person; an aide had to remind him that’s exactly why he got the job.
After hours of practise, and a double bill of Kidulthood and Adulthood under his belt, Dave felt confident he’d deliver; ‘You ain’t no muslim, bruv’ he said live on TV – sending a cold shiver down the nation’s collective spinal cord as we were reminded, once again, that our leader is like a self-conscious alien working undercover as a human being.