95 % of Brit Expats Sent Back to UK for Failing Language Test

The biggest movement of migrants since the Second World War began today, as countries across the world demanded UK expats had to  speak the language of their chosen country, or they had to leave…and most failed.

Foreign officials have said the test wasn’t even that rigorous. You only had to know how to say “Two Beers” “Please” “No” “Yes” and “Do you have real brown sauce?” but almost one hundred per cent flunked it.

A Foreign Office Spokesman said: “We don’t know how to cope with the influx, even some Brits in Australia failed the test, as they didn’t add “mate” to the end of the brown sauce question.”

Steve Tate, 35, who was packing up his belongings in Alicante said: “I was just about to learn the Spanish for ‘two beers” but I just couldn’t find the time, I’ve only been here eight years. I did integrate though, I went to the Black Lion pub, with Stevie, Gaz and Larry everyday. I remember that day we ate squid, it was rank though, never again.”

Shelia Predegast, 45, who lives in Albufeira, was seething after being told she had to leave, telling customs officials, “I didn’t want to learn Spanish anyway.”

111 Responses

  1. Karl Mather

    First thing I thought of, how would I get on with a German, Italian or French test? I should be word perfect (no way) as I’ve been working there for many years!

    1. Liz Prosser

      I think that’s only right. We have been in France for 6 months and while I had a good knowledge of French, my husband’s was next to none, now it is almosmost better than mine, especially his local accent!

    2. Glenn

      F… Off if they can’t speak English the shouldn’t have a Position of authority in any country. Get rid of the Officials any way necessary.

    3. Tecwyn ap Llywarch

      Glad to see this sort of attitude for a change. Unfortunately the English people who come to live in Wales don’t learn the language.

      1. William Brownings

        I know some English people who move to Wales do make attempts to learn the language, as I have met them. Suely you must have also. I met a taxi driver in Pemrokeshire who had moved up from Devon and he had his wife had gone to Welsh speaking classes. He told me he could understand a lot of Welsh now and tried to use it with Welsh speaking customers. Both his daughters went to school there and were fluent in the language. Also, I have a Welsh speaking mate who tells me that many English people who move to Wales, want their children to learn the language and purposely put their children into Welsh speaking schools.

        1. ‘Saltire’ is apparently one of those Johnny Foreigner words.
          I love dipping into btl comments in England.
          As a the smaller part of a wee lump of rock off the coast of Europe, you really do have a hit for yourself.
          ‘Oh, wad some power the Giftie gie us, tae see oursel’s as others see us.’
          As a Scot trasvelling abroad occasionally, I cringe as the loud frustrated English tourist seems to think that shouting out English sentences slowly will miraculously Google Translate into Breton French.
          Shouts -‘Have you got this in a bigger size?’
          Oh, dear. Still you are out of the EU now. No need for all that foreign jibber jabber any more, as long as you stay away from Yorkshire, Newcastle Cornwall and Liverpool.
          Scotland will miss you guys.
          No need to thank us for the telephone, Television, penicillin, mackintosh raincoats, tarmacadam roads, Dunlop pneumatic tyres, the Bank of England, the OED, steam trains, malt whisky, Aberdeen Angus steaks, Sherlock Holmes, Long John Silver, James Bond, Choose Life, , I’ll stop now. Your short attention span is renowned.
          A bientot, mes braves.

          1. Dean

            No need to thank us for bankrolling you out of the south Sea bubble fiasco !

            Have that one on us .
            But remember us when the birds come home to roost as the awful truth of what the brexiteers have really voted for hits home.

  2. French Rover

    The worlds language is English. The two largest populated countries in the world (China and India) who have almost a third of the worlds population all learn it from an early age at school, as do most other countries.

    I have traveled all over the globe for years and got by just fine everywhere with Hello, Goodbye and various pronunciations of the word `beer` plus a few well chosen hand gestures of course….that is except for one time in Beijing and I don`t want to talk about that!

    1. Ernst

      You’ve never been to China, haven’t you ?

      Anyway.. English is only third language by native speakers, well behind Cantonese and Spanish.

      If you use “gestures” to communicate you will receive a middle finger most of the times.

  3. robert

    Shelia Predigast, in Albufeira Portugal they don’t like the Spanish let alone speak it its called Portuguese !! Total embarrassment i would of kicked you out too, little manners go a long way !

  4. freddieonetwo

    I am sure that most British ex pats are quiet and lead decent lives, without murdering anyone, raping their women, trying to enforce a sadistic religion on them. Then of course there is the money, I should think that these countries would go very broke if ex pats from Britain and other nations did not spend their money there and not claim benefits that they have not paid into. Then of course you have quoted 95% I would love to know where these figures came from, what poll of ex pats have you conducted in their adopted countries to find out this figure. Though not.

    1. karin

      the clue is in the word Satire…Obviously lost on you lovey..Are you really so sad that you’d tar an entire religion based on the behaviour of a minute number of people who clearly aren’t representative of said religion …How pathetic!

    1. I believe that Albufeira being in Portugal and connected to the comment by a supposed “Brit” of “not wanting to learn Spanish anyway” while being deported for not learning the “local” language, was part of the satire!

  5. Elsdon Ward


    In this current atmosphere of frustration and confusion – I can understand the tendancy to pen words which may be construed as cynical and also might imply that Brits are ignorent people without culture.

    But in reality – the British are now a multi cultural society – we have worked during the past generation to achieve this in an atmosphere of freedom with hardly any deaths. They have a mixture of cultures . Our Muslims are against radicalism and are not afraid to say so.

    I was thinking that since you have an opportunity to reach so many people you might consider laying down these hollow words and start to pen some considered words – designed to praise the ethical of our society and to uphold virtues such as truth, honour and freedom – when you think of it your words are just meaningless nonsense – but could say so much more and be of so much more worth

    1. toriacat3

      Unfortunately the satirical aspect appears to have been lost on some – particularly the Albufeira/Spanish comment. Personally, I think satire (aka sarcasm-light) is a very effective way of putting across a valid criticism of recent PM declarations/spoutings. Rule Brittania an’ a’ that.

  6. Burt

    Astonishing that so many people thought this was a serious story! And completely missed the point about the hypocrisy of the Brits.

  7. Edward

    Guys, the Albufeira thing is also a joke… The author is (very funnily) trying to say that that woman hadn’t even realized that they don’t speak Spanish there but Portuguese…

    I thought your British people were world-known because of your sense of humor…

    1. Peter

      This story is not serious? I can’t believe it! I will have to unpack my bag, remove myself from the large queue of quiet and distinguished ex-pats at the airport and go back to my home near Albufeira, some distance from Spain.

    2. Sardonic

      British sense of humour alive and kicking!!! We invented satire, irony’s a way of life. Don’t you get it, we’re the best at taking the rise out of ourselves and this particular topic is perfect, hence every drop wrung out of it.

      1. Chickpea

        “We invented satire”

        Er, no. The Greeks were doing it several thousand years ago, when the forerunners of the Brits were running around naked with blue faces.

  8. Bobincork

    I realise that the article is satire, but in reality those Ex-Pat Brits going back to the UK would cause economic devastation to places like Spain where they are a very important part of the economy with the money they have brought from the UK. Cameron knows the cost of welfare, housing and translation for the migrants we have clamouring to enter Britain. The migrants will also send money ‘back home’ at a high cost to the UK. Speaking the native language in the UK is little to ask.

    1. Angela Pye

      Not really. 30,000 of said expats in Spain now becoming elderly putting an enormous strain on the healthcare system. Imagine the NHS dealing with that influx if they actually did return! Another issue not yet explored.

  9. Rob

    Satire. What I can’t believe is the number of people who thought this was a genuine news story. Maybe the ones who thought it was real are the ‘buyers’ from Storage Hunters UK.

  10. Deborah

    If you can speak 3 languages you are tri-lingual.
    If you can speak 2 lanuages you’re bi-lingual.
    What do you call someone who can only speak one language?
    English (or Australian! )
    Btw … it’s tomato sauce in Australia. .. we never say Brown sauce (closest would be BBQ sauce which is much sweeter).

  11. Richard

    I am close to 60 years old and I have lived in Southern Spain for 15 years. On arrival I hardly spoke a word of Spanish but made it my business to quickly take lessons and to get out, integrate with my Spanish friends and neighbours, and learn. I have been fluent in Spanish for a lot of years now and it continues to make me mad when Brits here trot out excuses such as “I’m too old to learn” or “I don’t have the time to learn”. To live permanently in a country without at least attempting to speak something of the language is, in my opinion, to come across as rude, ignorant and arrogant. The above article made me laugh and it also highlights a very real problem for British ex-pats living abroad.

    1. Chickpea

      Quite. I’ve met Brit expats in Thailand and Vietnam who speak the local language passably, and as tonal languages they are harder to learn than European Romance languages like Spanish or Portuguese.

  12. valerie

    However, it would have been better satire if it had used a non EU country such as Turkey, Israel, Syria etc. . After all, Cameron’s suggestion is not aimed at EU members who at the moment have a right to reside in another EU country provided they have a job or can support themselves, and would not be required to speak the language of the country where they are resident. Of course, perhaps they are assuming that the UK will opt out of the EU soon.

  13. Roy the bus

    LOL, almost as funny as the article in the Southendnews, saying that the Dartford Tunnel was closed due to the number of migrants from Kent going to live in Essex because they could get their kinds in grammar schools there.

    Cue Monty Python sketch about Torremolinos.

  14. Lynden Finlay

    95% of Brits living in Wales deported to England! Residence visas granted only to those who could sing the whole of Hen wlad fy nhadau and knew how to pronounce Pwllheli.

  15. Kanu Chatterjee

    What rubbish —even for a satire.We Indians love our Brits and want them to never go back –thats because most Indians understand -speak and know English We have a love-hate relationship with Brits for having robbed India during their 350 yrs of colonial but are grateful they threw out the Muslims who are all now in the UK and gave us an education system–great administrative service-railways-and the best English and Cricket

    1. Sabrina I

      You moron! You have just as many Muslims in your country as the whole of Pakistan (India 177m pakistan 178m). You even have more muslims in your country than Iran (74m), Iraq (31m), Saudi Arabia (25m), Syria (21m), Qatar (4m) and UAE (1.2m) put together! Not to mention Islam is the second largest religion in the world. By contrast the UK only has 2 million. How about you go back to school and learn a bit more about your country before making such sensational claims! And don’t forget, there are some Britons who hate the fact you even exist based on the colour of your skin. They don’t want you ‘foreigners’ in their country and they laugh at your accent behind your back. Or if the person is particularly unsavoury, they even mock you about it to your face.

      Good thing many Brits treat both Hindus, Sikhs and Muslims exactly the same. Unlike you they don’t judge by religion, sex or background. They believe in gender equality and despise racism. Something people in both India and Pakistan do not have the capacity to even comprehend.

  16. Martin Wain

    As Joe likes satire can I suggest he now uses his boyish wit to write a satirical article about Islam – or is that “out of bounds” for satire purposes following the bloodbath at the Charlie Hebdo headquarters?

  17. António Maia

    Real funny! I like the finish touch, when they say she lives in Albufeira, which is in Portugal, not Spain, and then finish, I never had the time to learn Spanish!!

  18. Farid

    Obviously this is satire but based on very real fact. Some years ago I came across a British subject in the town hall of a small town near Alicante who was having some language problems, after assisting him and while the town hall staff were trying to resolve his issue we entered in conversation and this gentlemen, justice of the peace in other times, living in Spain for some years said, and I quote, “I love Spain, but the only problem is the the Spaniards can’t speak English”

    This is quite systematic, although I defend the fact that a country who receives over 60 million tourists a year should be prepared to attend these visitors, those who choose to come here to live should make some effort to learn the language, at least learn how to say “buenos días, como estás ?”

    BTW and FYI I’m neither Spanish nor English and I think I speak and write both languages pretty well.

  19. Phil 976

    We are doing OK in our small village in the Jura – a case of having to as no-one speaks English. Our vocabulary grew to include carpentry, masonry, electrics, plumbing, general DIY, tarmac, cars, obviously food and drink, trees, flowers, shrubs, birds, wildlife – the list goes on. However, a trip to our local GP this morning told me I had a long way to go in medicine!
    Also, has anyone tried the test questions for UK citizenship:
    Question – When was the first Union flag created? – 1506, 1556, 1606 or 1656 (1606, and by the way, you can now call it the Union Jack)
    Question – how old is Big Ben? – 150, 180, 200, 210 years old (trick – 157 years)
    Question – What is the minimum age to drive a car or motorcycle in the UK? – 16, 17, 18 or 21
    a trick question as, according to the DVLA, minimum ages are: car – 17, motorcycle – 16 or 17 or 19 or 21 or 24 depending on type of motorcycle and/or route taken.
    check out the test on the internet – good job I already have a UK passport as I don’t know that I would pass after 67 years living here.

  20. Michael

    This is complete bullshit. This isn’t even a rule in the UK or anywhere in the E.U. before or after BREXIT. The owner of this post needs to have a word with themselves for posting garbage aimed at scaring people.

  21. MM

    This article gives statistical analysis but no source, and it is not clear as to where the test was taken, and what test? How is this a good article or even a credible article?

  22. David

    I speak Italian, French and Portuguese and I’m learning big Spanish I just can’t get my head around German but I’m a true believer in Europe and think knowledge of any foreign language greatly enhances your understanding and appreciation of other cultures .

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