400 year old sharks ‘massive drain on ecosystem’ say other fish

A group of sharks believed to be around 400 years old have been discovered off the coast of Greenland. The Greenland sharks can be found swimming very slowly in front of other fish, can get easily confused and are known to wake at 6am every morning.

‘Look I’m sorry to be the one to say this”, said one particularly hurried Blue Marlin, “ but what’s the point in keeping these sharks alive if they just float around doing fuck all apart from proving to be a massive drain on the rest of us. It’s a ticking time bomb that we need to address before the whole sea turns to shit”.

Many young fish blame the elderly sharks for the recent referendum result and the potential impact on EU fishing laws “I’m completely fucked now” said one Yellow Fish Tuna. “Now that EU fishing quotas won’t apply, I’m gonna be one of the first on the menu thanks to these fucking Taste the Difference gourmet fishcakes. Thanks a lot you old twats.”

However, an NGO set up by concerned Sea Turtles is campaigning to ensure Greenland sharks are treated with the dignity and respect they deserve. “These sharks should be celebrated, not castigated. Think of all things they’ve seen, the lives they’ve led, we have a lot to learn from them. Like, how did the Great Fire of London really start and did people really used to just shit in the street?”

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