Parliamentary Sketch

Sketch – You’re going down with the Mackems

By Joe Mellor, Deputy Editor

I write a regular PMQ sketch for the London Economic, but this week I didn’t get around to it – dog ate my home work time – I was on an underpowered train back from the Northern Powerhouse of Newcastle-upon-Tyne, and only caught the end of the budget when I got to the office.

Personally, I closely align Newcastle United’s and Sunderland’s current sides with the Northern Powerhouse, as they are all a load of shite. At this point it is also worth noting it’s the Tyne and Wear derby on Sunday; I might make a poor comparison with it later on, lucky you.

I hate to be superficial, but the first thing I noticed during the Budget announcement was Corbyn’s suit. He recently progressed from Matalan to Asda George and now to Burton. The nagging, crusty old leftie (who squats on my shoulder) kept saying to me “look at the corporate sell-out.” But once you change your appearance for the benefit of others, is it already too late? Next he will be dining with hedge fund managers and burning £50 notes in front of the homeless, it’s a slippery slope.

However, when I had forcibly evicted Swampy’s morality from my mind; I decided Corbyn did look smart. The suit of a 23-year-old on his first day in media sales, and the face of a man who doesn’t know what media sales is. To be honest I’m not sure I do either.

Osborne used the Budget to hide his “creative accounting” which will dump enough money into the coffers so he can run his budget surplus in 2019. I don’t know about you, but for all the pain we have suffered, to get to this fabled milestone, this surplus year better be one hell of a ride. It definitely won’t; in fact it might annoy me more. We will have a load of money kicking about and I can’t have any of it. Osborne will be the prick who used to turn up to the park with his new football, only to take it home as soon as you pick sides.

To top it all he also launched the sugar tax, which I personally think is a good idea, but will only annoy tabloid newspapers and the nanny state naysayers. It’s even put up the price of a Gin and Tonic. How much does he want to annoy middle England?

I had every intention of going back to watch PMQs and make a few half hearted attempts (to varying degrees of success) to find something interesting to say about it, but it never happened, there simply wasn’t time to revisit Cameron refusing to answer any questions.

The fallout out from the budget has created a Bermuda Triangle over the Conservative party, where political careers are vanishing at an alarming rate.

There was Nicky Morgan marauding around making more mistakes than Newcastle United’s back four, Sajid Javid denying cuts to disabled people, Iain Duncan Smith resigning because of cuts to disabled people (ok that isn’t the real reason, but that’s what he said), Zac Goldmsith being kicked out as patron of a charity, a life long wheelchair bound Tory disability campaigner sabotaged the party website. I could go on, and I bet a lot of people want me to; it’s like politics porn to all those anti-Tories out there. Three more Conservative self-inflicted mishaps have probably happened while I am writing this article.

The Tories won the election, destroyed their Liberal “allies” and have an opposition leader who will never curry favour with their core vote; it should be glorious a time for them, but they are their own worst enemy, they are tearing themselves apart.

When the dust settles after the referendum, no matter which way the vote goes, there are no winners. So like the Newcastle Vs Sunderland game tomorrow (here we go comparison time), it doesn’t matter which side wins – they are both going down.

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