Parliamentary Sketch 3rd December – Cameron whips Balls into a frenzy

By Joe Mellor, Deputy Editor

Today’s PMQs was followed by the final autumn statement of this parliament. Luckily pretty much all of it had already been leaked out, so you didn’t really need to pay attention.

Interestingly during PMQs Ed was on fire, it was one of his strongest performances I have seen. Sadly even when it goes right for Miliband, it goes wrong, as none of it will make the news headlines later. He is the type of person who would win the lottery on the day we hit hyperinflation. His £3 million haul, would literally be hauled down to the bakers, to pay for one loaf of bread.

We were told there was going to be no pre-election giveaway, but there had to be something, maybe just a little bit of whatever Gideon was taking last week. To be fair to Osborne (we have to be sometimes) he didn’t look high today, which is a shame as it would have made a grim statement a lot more interesting.

However, during his report he mentioned funding for the “Factory” theatre in Manchester and he said “anyone from the 80’s would remember it.” If you can remember the Hacienda you weren’t there Gideon. Even with his (alleged) past, I doubt the Bullingdon boys made it to Manchester. Perhaps, he was too busy playing pool with Tricky and Sam Cam in Bristol.

Coming down and back to PMQs, the PM accused Ed Balls of “Mascosadism” clearly getting it wrong and ruining his punch line (something about the Shadow chancellor being not very good as his job). The fact he doesn’t know much about violent sexual pleasures isn’t that bad a trait in a Prime Minister (I bet a few of his MPs know ALL about it). What was most troubling was the female Labour MP who kept screaming “Sadomasochsim, sadomasochism…” which sounded more like a demand than a clarification on word-usage. It was quite unsettling.

But they were not out of the torture garden yet; during the next question Cameron felt he had to clarify his mistake, but made it worse saying, “Normally with the Shadow Chancellor, he can dish it out but can’t take it, now he likes taking it as well”.     Excuse me while I wipe the sick away from my mouth.

It isn’t the first time the PM and Balls have had some underlying sexual tension between them. I remember fondly the PMQs when Cameron drooled over Ed’s tight lycra shorts. Expect to see Ed Balls with an orange in his mouth and Cameron brandishing a whip, in a nightmare soon. I wonder what their safe word would be? “stamp duty” Actually that could be misinterpreted …

And what of the conclusions from the autumn statement you ask? There is a warning light flashing over the global economy, massive cuts will continue across the public sector and Government has added £430 billion to the national debt.

Who needs whips when you have the Government to inflict the pain?

Sycophantic question of the day

Playing to the “cut everything brigade,” in an interview afterwards Mark Reckless, UKIP, said they would get rid of the ENTIRE departments of Culture, Media and Sport& Energy and Climate Change.


Ed Miliband, but you would never know it.

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