Parliamentary Sketch

Parliamentary Sketch 18th March – Cameron gets his Giddy-on

By Joe Mellor, Deputy Editor

Unlike every other PMQs, this one was a quiet affair. The MPs kept their shrieks and cries for the budget that followed, but there was still plenty of time for kitchen “jokes” aimed at Miliband, which (bacon) rolled – see anyone can do it – into the Chancellor’s statement as well.

The one-liners were universally terrible, but at least Cameron carries his off in a smug way, that I can handle. But Gideon’s delivery is smug and sinister, it’s unsettling. I went through a whole bottle of Gaviscon watching his Budget statement.

Here is a small serving (see it really is that easy) of the kitchen related japes today.

Cameron to Ed,

“If he can’t stand the heat get out of the second kitchen,” and

“The leader of the opposition literally doesn’t know where the next meal is coming from,” even Cameron self-mockingly said “don’t worry there are plenty more”.

Then the PM to the Ed Balls,

“Your boss threw both kitchen sinks at the NHS and still couldn’t win”. Somebody shouted out “pitiful”, I don’t think anyone would disagree.

The PM to Balls (again)

As shadow chancellor, he wanted to be in the kitchen cabinet “but didn’t know which kitchen to turn up to”.

And finally Gideon to Miliband,

“We are going to fund the Internet of Things, so that people can control fridges in different kitchens.”

No one said, “I never thought Balls would sink so low,” which I thought was a real shame.

The PM also has form (ica) when it comes to kitchens, Sam Cam famously spent £30k on a new one in Downing Street. The most famous terraced house in the UK, after the one from TV comedy Bread, might only have one kitchen, but it must be a bloody good one. Ed’s (ok it was his second one) looked like Ray Winstone’s kitchen from Nil by Mouth, but it’s in posh Kentish Town, so Mil by Mouth might be more apt.

Miliband did have one kitchen comeback/nightmare (delete as appropriate), when he fought back with, “at least I paid for mine unlike the Government Chief Whip”.

The Tories love to attack Miliband and Balls, but they didn’t need to today, they could have just taken the higher ground and simply stated the positive economic news, there was no need for the skirmishes with the opposition.

And what of the budget? Miliband might have memorably forgotten to mention austerity in his speech, but Gideon didn’t manage to mention the NHS during his address, and he had his notes with him.

The Chancellor gave us a penny off a pint, which I’m not convinced I fall for anymore. Even well into my 20’s, I would text my mates in wild excitement, and head down the pub, to find the price was usually the same.

Either way, you would have to drink a lot of pints to feel any benefit. “My name is Joe Mellor and I became an alcoholic so I could save £10 from Gideon’s generous tax breaks.” Using my rudimentary maths, I would have to spend £3,990 on lager (tweet me for my calculation if you are really that bothered) to get to the tenner milestone, but for me it’s the principal. However, now I need to get a new liver on the NHS.

Anyway, Gideon’s “rousing” and lengthy introductory speech made my skin crawl. I can imagine it is similar to the sort of thing a gang master would give to his teenage minions, before they went out pickpocketing for the day. His delivery, management speak and dead eyes reminded me of Jake Gyllenhaal in the film Nightcrawler.

My character assassination of Giddy-on aside, the economic picture appeared positive. But like the Chancellor’s family’s luxury wallpaper firm, no matter how plush the Osborne & Little Butterfly Garden wall covering (£158 a roll) is, maybe it’s just papering over the cracks?

Sycophantic question of the day

Chris Kelly, Con, who said that metal theft was rife, allowing the PM to tell viewers that some had been nicked from the church roof in his constituency. Witney is SO Ghetto, how does Cameron survive on the mean streets of West Oxfordshire? Thuglife.


Creepy, sinister and smug, but despite all his negative personality traits, the budget will be seen as a great success by the popular press, which is exactly what the Tories want this close to an election.

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