Parliamentary Sketch 17th December – A muppets Xmas quarrel

By Joe Mellor, Deputy Editor

For the Tories today there was some early Xmas cheer (at economic news) and Xmas groans (at some lacklustre Xmas puns, which I hope to emulate during this article). Wages are now growing faster than inflation. It was the final piece of the jigsaw (that Auntie Janice got you) for the Conservatives. Now Labour couldn’t even attack on the cost of living crisis.

Everything seems to be going the Tories way, so Labour decided to attack the Conservatives on their miserliness and the misanthropy of their savage cuts. Ed said the Tories were the “scrooges” of the UK.

As the PM stood up to respond, “The cold within him froze his old features, nipped his pointed nose, made his eyes red, his thin lips blue, and spoke out shrewdly in his grating voice…”. Bit unfair of Dickens; Cameron’s nose isn’t pointed.

Ed had to make the PM visit the Ghost of Xmas Past, and took the PM back 80 years to the 1930’s, to which the OBR said the proposed levels of cuts would take us back . The PM wasn’t fazed by this and shrugged it off, “That isn’t the 1930’s that’s 2002, when Labour was in power,” he said. The ghost faded away, this man was not for turning.

Then the Ghost of Christmas Present arrived in the room, and pointed to sickly Tiny Tim (played by Nick Clegg) – the spirit informed him that the boy will die unless something changes. He even used Scrooge’s earlier words about “decreasing the (budget) surplus,” against him. But it was no use, “Are there no prisons, no food banks?” the PM asked. The ghost despondently drifted out of the chamber.

There was one final chance to show the PM the error of his ways, the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come took the PM, forward six months , to the election. Just as the previous sprit predicted Tiny Tim had passed away and the PM was dead and buried. Finally the PM broke down and wept for forgiveness, repented and wanted to become a “second father” to Tiny Tim.

But today wasn’t a Xmas carol but a Xmas quarrel; the PM ignored all the warnings and announced that 66% of the ghosts will be cut over the course of the next parliament.

Bah Humbug!

Sycophantic question of the day

Neil Carmichael, Con, who bragged (not for the first time) about his “week-long festival of manufacturing and engineering, opened by the Prince of Wales”. The PM praised the annual festival and said he watched a 3D bike being printed last year. “Get on your 3D bike,” can be the Tories new slogan.



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