Parliamentary sketch 11th March – Make love not nuclear war

By Joe Mellor, Deputy Editor

It was an awful PMQs, but luckily for the members of Parliament, every journalist was outside Jeremy Clarkson’s house. This session might have gone unnoticed, like a Russian submarine slipping past the Farne Islands.

Well I did watch PMQs, and it reminded me of splitting-up with your partner. When all hope is lost, but you need to wait a few weeks before the removal van arrives, to pass the time you throw insults at each other over the kitchen table, filling the dark void. Does that ring any bells? Ok maybe not for you, but it does for me, and she even looked a bit like Ed, more of that…never.

Miliband used all his questions (again for the second week running) to attack the PM for refusing to go-ahead with the TV debates. This is when it got poisonous. According to the PM the Labour leader was using “pathetic feeble excuses” and “ridiculous tactics,” why did he always check his text messages when he went to the toilet?

“You are not going to be able to wriggle off this … There is only one person preparing for defeat and it is this Prime Minister,” Mr Miliband shouted back at him, arguing over who was going to get custody of Morcheeba’s seminal album.

But Ed wasn’t finished, clutching his tissues to his damp cheeks, he said “We know you lost to the Deputy Prime Minister last time, why don’t you just cut out the feeble excuses and admit the truth: you are worried you might lose again.” Maybe the PM has been hurt too many times before, perhaps Ed wasn’t to blame for all this.

But the PM was not admitting to that, emotional blackmail wasn’t going to work. He said, “You have been offered a debate and you won’t take it. Any time, any place, anywhere but you won’t take it.” Reminiscing on those days of dangerous care free love?

They were clearly never going to embrace each other again, so what next for the two newly singletons. Well Ed has already found another lover, he didn’t wait long, maybe he had him lined up all along.

Through floods of tears the Prime Minister replied, “I’ll tell you what goes to character: someone who is prepared to crawl into Downing Street in alliance with people who want to break up the future of our country.

“What a despicable and weak thing to do: risking our defences, risking our country, risking our United Kingdom. If you had an ounce of courage you would rule it out.”

But Miliband couldn’t do it, he wants to find love and he has found it in the most unexpected places, the top pocket of a plump Scottish man’s suit. But who is to say he isn’t going to treat him badly as well.

Miliband might be unlucky in love but at least he has someone to jump into bed with, but what about Cameron? His re-bound three-way with Carswell and Reckless, might be regretted in the cold light of day. The course of true love never did run smooth.

Sycophantic question of the day

Strangely Labour MPs Stella Creasy and Gisela Stuart, who both attacked the PM for defence spending, giving Cameron even more opportunities to tell the nation that a Labour/SNP coalition might scrap Trident.


Alex Salmond, well actually Nicola Sturgeon, but nobody bothered to mention her in PMQs, so neither did I.

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