Parliamentary Sketch

Parliamentary Sketch 3rd February – Eastenders E8 the EU

By Joe Mellor, Deputy Editor

There wasn’t much to say about today’s PMQs the Tories were all waiting to either bash Cameron on Europe for their constituents or back him to save their own careers, in the debate afterwards.

Will PM ignore his party’s core supporters, who would happily restore the monarchy into power given half a chance; some of who seem to regard the ex-Eton and Bullingdon boy as some sort of woolly liberal lefty.

If David Cameron isn’t cut from the right cloth for them, will they ever be content with any leader? Will they ever be content anyway? Probably not, but they need a leader (or leaders) to champion their demands to return England to the late 1800s.

So who is going to step up and challenge Cameron’s EU love in? Well, the Mitchell brothers Iain Duncan Smith and Chris Grayling are your top picks for leading the leaving the EU clan; the Queen Vic would have barred those Europeans ages ago. Belgium and Holland would be left with Dot Cotton (played by Theresa May) in the launderette and France and Germany would be pot washing in the “caff” by a tyrannical, but ever so slightly pathetic Ian Beale (played by, you guessed it, Jeremy Hunt). Most importantly you will be able to get fruit by the pound on the market stalls.

Staying in the East End of London, but dropping the poor analogy, this part of the capital is what closer ties with the EU (and wider immigration) has brought us, a multi-cultural melting pot, making London one the most diverse and welcoming countries to foreign people, super rich and poor.

Cameron needs another million migrants to enter the UK to meet his economic targets. Is that a swarm of sexual deviants, religious fanatics and benefits scroungers or an influx of youthful workers, expanding the tax base and filling jobs we don’t want to do anymore?

In a bizarre way the influx of migrants has created a prosperous economy, allowing people to comfortably sit in their five bedroom detached homes in Surrey and tut at the ethnic takeover of the capital. However, this argument would definitely fall on deaf ears of many Conservative voters.

On one side Cameron will argue if we leave Europe we will have no money left, due to capital flight. While the other side, the anti-EU mob, will argue if we stay we will have no British values left, as the migrants flood in.

So no matter which way the vote goes, like the Scottish referendum, these two opposed schools of thought will remain seething at each other, regardless of the result. Like Nasty Nick, in the East End soap opera, it will return again and again, more vicious each time, because the scriptwriters know they have to keep the ratings up.

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