George Osborne’s Autumn Spending Review Analysed By Someone Who’s Made The Chancellor’s Cheeks Go Red

“There’s no such thing as society”, Margaret Thatcher famously told Woman’s Own in 1987. Today Chancellor George Osborne was showing off how he is still trying his very best to make that happen, outlining his latest austerity measures to dismantle and sell off the state in the Autumn Spending Review statement.

And again The London Economic turned to someone who can offer her own exclusive insight into the Conservative party leadership candidate formerly known as Gideon, his former party companion Natalie Rowe.

The opinionated dominatrix ran Britain’s first black escort agency and has claimed that George Osborne was more than just a friend when he was in his twenties. – A claim the chancellor strenuously denies.

So here the former vice madam who the Chancellor of the Exchequer would rather forget, talks us through the pain and pleasure of Osborne’s Spending Review.

George Osborne and David Cameron

George Osborne and David Cameron

Tax Credits:  cuts totally scrapped

Natalie Rowe: “This seems like a last minute U-turn on a massively unpopular policy that really whipped up a storm of criticism.

And George appears to have taken a real spanking!

The headlines tomorrow will be all about the total U-turn he’s been forced to do in scrapping his massively unpopular family tax credit cuts.

What won’t be in tomorrow’s headlines is that when family tax credits are changed over to universal tax credits, any new claimants will be getting far less than now, so families on low incomes will still lose out massively in the end. George has managed to whip up a storm and get away with it!”

Housing: 400,000 affordable homes to be built with £2billion budget; 5 housing associations to pilot right to buy for tenants

NR: “After years of tying up and whipping my wealthy clients I got to know the ‘haves’ and the ‘have knots’, if you know what I mean! And selling off more of our social housing will tickle George’s rich chums more than any of my feather dusters.

Just like with Thatcher’s council housing sell off, the rich are set to get their grubby hands on housing association property now. It will inevitably end up being sold on to landlords, so good news for property investors, but terrible news for anybody trying to rent and make ends meet so to speak.

George hasn’t listened to any warnings about house price inflation. When George’s housing bubble bursts, just like a leaky condom it’ll be messy and potentially costly!”

Police Budget – no cuts

NR: “Police officers do enjoy their rings fenced occasionally, and we’ll sleep a bit safer now Osborne’s agreed to ring fence the police budget. Bit late though as the police have  already had their hands tied and been suffocated by George’s chops for the past five years!

I’ve seen the harm violent crime can cause on the streets of London and I’m glad policing won’t be slashed any further for now. It’s sad that it’s taken the events in Paris and the public outcry that followed to protect police budgets from cuts by George’s chopper.”

Local Government: up to 2% council tax rise to pay for social care 

NR: “Every relationship involves a bit of give and take. From what I recall of George, he’d like people to think he prefers to give rather than take. I’m glad to see a new lifeline for social care for elderly and vulnerable people. But George has cunningly left the unpopular task of raising tax for that to local councils. While putting the screws on them by halving much needed funds from central government.”

Regional Prosperity: £12 billion local growth fund

NR: “I hope we can enjoy a spurt of growth in all our parts. And if you leave London, as I do when I visit my Yorkshire family, you see the parts most bruised by George’s brutal shafting.”

Energy Efficiency: cuts and green policy reforms

NR: “Protection from man-made emissions is important – and not just in my line of work! And with cuts to home insulation and energy efficiency this government has managed to leave vulnerable people at risk of fuel poverty this winter, while at the same our emissions are messily off target!”

Flood Defences: £2.3 billion budget preserved

NR: “I’ve seen some expensive gushes in my time. Nobody wants to see a dirty great torrent spurting all over their home! Hopefully £2.3 billion will be enough to protect people’s homes from the risk of flooding which is no fun at all.

It shows George can be partial to a bit of ring fencing. It’s just a shame that doesn’t extend to other public spending too.”

Steel Industry: Steel to be exempt from environmental tariffs.

NR: “This has come too late for our lost steel industry jobs. We all wish George had come prematurely on this occasion!”

Spending Review

Spending Review

Deficit: £73.5 billion deficit 2015-2016; £14.7bn surplus by 2020-21

NR: “I thought it was meant to be David Cameron who was into his porkies! George had promised the deficit would be over by now.

I can’t see these new targets being met if all he can pull out of his pants are cuts and sell-offs.  – Don’t forget this government has borrowed £708billion in just five years – compared to Labour’s £292billion over 13 years. I’ve encountered disappointing rates of growth over the years – and yet again, George hasn’t failed to disappoint!”

NHS: £10 billion more spending; £22bn efficiency savings; more nurses

NR: “Hope this will be enough to stop a crisis this winter and glad George has lifted a cap on nurse numbers. But the cheeky git has swapped student nurses’ grants for loans. Many of my clients are great fans of the trickle-down effect. But the sort of riches I know George’s tax-efficient family enjoy won’t be trickling down to our nurses.

With everybody distracted by George’s spending review, our health secretary Jeremy Hunt did his own U-turn today apparently. – He finally agreed to talk to the unions to avoid patients being endangered by junior doctor strikes. Glad to see our junior doctors give him a humiliating spanking!”

Women’s Health: £15 million “tampon tax” funds women’s refuges.

NR: “Words fail me. Women have been hit the hardest by George’s cuts over the years and funding the few women’s refuges left by taxing our tampons, and announcing it cheerily like we should all be grateful makes my blood boil. I hope George’s cheeks are burning too!”

Transport: permanent “pothole fund” for roads

NR: “For some reason this seemed to make David Cameron who was sat next to George giggle like a little schoolgirl today. Maybe he thinks a pothole is somewhere he can buy pot from!”

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