The Column – Justin Bieber, Taylor and Calvin, Jessie J

Justin Bieber prepares his Blue Steel

Presumably, by now, you’ll have seen that Zoolander is making its return soon. This was announced in excellent fashion (deliberate pun) at the end of the Valentino Autumn/Winter 2015 show, which was closed by Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson in character from the movie, complete with resolute Blue Steel gaze at the end of the catwalk. The original Zoolander movie has, rightly, amassed a huge following since its release in 2001 and its return is hotly anticipated.

CUE terrible human Justin Bieber, who announced through a picture on his Instagram account  that he has joined the cast of Zoolander 2. One can only hope it’s a cameo, at most, and not a supporting or GOD FORBID a starring role. Did you watch his Comedy Central Roast? The entire thing was bizarre and I’m not even sure he understood 90% of the jokes. Then he delivered his own* jokes and further proved that he is an idiot. The sequel also seems to have a whole host of other stars on board, including, reportedly, Kim Kardashian West and Anna Wintour. So hopefully there’s not much room for Biebs. You’ll notice him hashtag that it’s a wig, lest any of his devoted fans rush out and dye their hair black. What a saint.


Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris?

Taylor Swift, who I may or may not have spent all of last night listening to while I ate cheese from a packet, thus ensuring I will never look like her, has possibly got a new man. And that man is possibly no other than Scotland’s finest, Calvin Harris. I think we can all agree that this is a fantastic step up for both Taylor and Calvin. His last high profile hook up was with Rita Ora, which ended so acrimoniously that he refused to let her sing the song he produced for her. Excellently, that song is called ‘I Will Never Let You Down’.

Things that make us believe they’re together include various paparazzi pictures of them together. But a MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH came last night, while you** ate cheese on your bed and thought about how you got where you are. Last night, Calvin Harris Instagrammed (hey isn’t Instagram getting a lot of lip service today?) a picture of Taylor’s cats. Taylor Swift, if you didn’t know, is obsessed with her cats. They’re beautiful, obviously, because everything in her life is beautiful, and allowing Calvin in to not only be around them but also INSTAGRAM them means only one thing. They MUST be in love.

Jessie J unfollows all her fans

Jessie J has unfollowed all her fans on Twitter, reportedly. I was in no way one of the people that followed her or was followed, so I’ve picked up this story via whisperings on the wind. Her fans are, naturally, very upset about the decision. It’s unclear to me how many people she was following but, having done a very brief check, I can see that she’s only following one person now. And because you can’t see who that person is, I can only assume that that person is herself. And that Jessie J has turned into some sort of self-consuming monster. The natural conclusion.

Anyway, her arguably already waning music career has taken a real self-inflicted hit with this move. A lot of people commenting on Twitter are saying things to that tune, anyway. It’s weird because a quick scroll through Jessie J’s Twitter timeline will reveal that she is really annoying and has really annoying things to say, but apparently that doesn’t matter when you’re obsessed with a pop star. Perhaps this will give a new lease of life to the followers she’s lost. Go outside. Smell the flowers. Enjoy the sunshine! It’s like being born again. You lucky devils.

*Definitely not written by him

**Me. That was me

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