5 Steps to The Presidency, Nice Guys Finish Last

By Rebecca Benson

As Donald Trump prepares to settle into his new role as President, let’s look back on how he made it to the top – and how you can too – in five simple steps!

Step 1: Be as racist as possible

What’s the point in being white if you can’t blame all your problems on an ethnic minority? All Mexicans are definitely, probably, potential rapists and/or murderers. And why should a Muslim be able to come to the land of the free and get a degree when all you’ve got is an STI?


Step 2: Woman are irrelevant

It doesn’t matter how sexist you are, turns out women are dumb as f**k. You can say you’ll grab them by the pussy and 53 per cent of white women will still vote for ya’!


Step 3: Personal appearance

If you’re a man, this is inconsequential. Orange? Wig? Doesn’t matter, as long as you’re not Mexican.

If you’re a woman: whatever you wear you’re going to look fat so just give up now while you’ve still got some dignity.


Step 4: Ignore all the facts

When your running for the leadership of a country where less than 40 per cent of the population believe in evolution, clearly scientific facts have no weight. Therefore, just make up your own! Climate change is probably just a phase, like punk or Sunny-D. I mean, they keep saying the bees are dying but I can still see them man can’t you?!


Step 5: Confidence

If you believe in yourself, you can literally do anything. It’s this kind of thinking that has brought great leaders into power, such as Hitler, Stalin, and Mao. And now we have Trump to follow in their footsteps. Qualifications are immaterial. If possible, specialise in another field that is completely irrelevant to the job in hand, such as plumbing or ballet.


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