Satire

Satire is a comedy entertainment section that vices, follies, highlights shortcomings and ridicules, with the intent of shaming individuals, corporations, government or society itself, into improvement. Nothing in this section should be seen as factual and is for entertainment purposes only.

Anyone likely to live more than four hours not to be classified as urgent emergency, says Hunt

The Government has rowed back on the four hour A & E pledge and have now reclassified it as anyone who can survive more than four hours are now not an “urgent” case. Tony Grays, 44, who had been stabbed in the stomach was turned away and seemed ok with it. He said: “Well I thought I was at death’s door, but it turns out I have at least four hours to go, so I’m going to enjoy the rest...

Scotland’s odds of qualifying for 2026 World Cup slashed from 250/1 to 250/1

FIFA’s decision to allow pretty much every country in the world into the 2026 World Cup, has lifted the spirits of Scottish fans desperate to see their team in an international tournament, but not the bookies. Sadly the bookmakers are not as confident and have slashed the odds to exactly the same as they were before the announcement by FIFA to extend the tournament to 48 teams. Scotland fan James McDougall, 27, said: “You would think we would get through,...

Children of Aleppo send messages of hope to those affected by one-day tube strike

A group of children who have been living and, mainly, dying in the besieged city of Aleppo have sent messages of hope to London’s commuters, who have been forced to get the bus to work, or indeed stayed at home and are now pretending to work from the pub. Amena, 10, who has seen her sister, mother and father killed in a Russian air strike said she thought she knew suffering until she heard about the one day walk-out. With...

Comical Ali tells reporters “even I couldn’t spin this NHS humanitarian crisis.”

Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf better know as “Comical Ali” has told the British Government he can’t take the job as NHS spin doctor, as even he couldn’t try and convince the public the NHS hasn’t gone to shit. He said: “Even when there were US tanks behind me as I told TV cameras that Iraq was defeating the American invaders, I still thought I could win the PR war, but this NHS crisis is well beyond my delusional mind. In desperation...

Theresa May: Government not buddled over mexit

Theresa May has claimed that the government’s approach to Brexit “isn’t very muddling at all” in a TV interview today. The claim comes after the government’s former ambassador to the EU, Sir Ivan Rogers, criticised the government’s approach in a strongly worded resignation email last week. May said “Look, we know exactly what we want. There is absolutely no confusion at all. Come March we are gong to invoke article 15 and that will be that.” “Yes we have been...

Man accidentally tucks jumper into jeans & can pinpoint exact moment he became middle aged

A, now middle aged, man is able to pinpoint the exact moment he became over the hill, after an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction. James Pilchard, 35, was getting dressed when he accidentally tucked his jumper into his jeans, and thought, for a split second, it looked ok, quite smart. Immediately the youthful version of himself took over and chastised him for his disgraceful behaviour, but James knew it was too late. He said: “I immediately un-tucked the jumper and told myself...

2016 a bigger wanker than we first thought

2016 is officially a bigger wanker than we first expected after making another arsehole move on Christmas Day. The full calendar year, which has been known to compare itself to the likes of 1914 and 1939, took the life of another national icon on the 25th in a blatant two fingers to the rest of the country and in clear breach of festive protocol. It is still unclear whether this is the last dick head trick it has up its...

Geldoff on red alert after discovery of Amazonian tribe who might not know it’s Christmas

Bob Geldoff is set to cancel his Christmas plans to pen a new track in support of the recently discovered Amazonian tribe who, he fears, might not yet know anything about the birth of Christ. A photographer has recently captured images of an uncontacted tribe on the Brazil/Peru border. Close friends have confirmed Geldoff is growing increasingly concerned about the world of dread and fear that he assumes they live in. Graeme Piggott, a neighbour of Geldoff, confirmed he saw...

London to become ‘just about bearable’ for next seven days confirm indigenous population

The indigenous people of London are today celebrating as millions of economic migrants return back to their homeland for Christmas. The annual exodus of around 4 million people ensures public transport becomes ‘manageable’, shopping becomes ‘a little bit less hysterical’ and bars become ‘not wholly uncomfortable’. Simon Griffiths, a geezer, said “It's a wonderful time of year aint it. I was born under the sound of the Bow Bells and was runnin round the streets of the East End since...

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